Sake Shack LIVE!
by Umeko
Summary: Insanity fic. Umeko's Talkshow. Watch our fav characters from RK and PMK get ntinuation from the Japan Bulletin & New Kyoto Post Suggestions welcome.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

I will try to address any questions and concerns raised with regards to my fics _New Kyoto Post _and_ The Japan Bulletin_. Please send any suggestions my way! Thank you for your kind support of my previous ficcies.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 1: Father-Son Reunion**

(Kyoto Sake Shack. A group of pink kimono and apron-wearing women scramble about preparing the lights and sound equipment. A matronly woman with a naginata takes the mike. This samurai female is none other than Aunt Umeko of the Choushu. Yes, I know I wrote her death in the last issue of the Japan Bulletin. But this IS an insanity fic.)

_Konbanwa (Good evening). Welcome to Kyoto's infamous Sake Shack where Choushu Ishinshishi and Tokugawa dogs alike hang out off-duty during the Bakumatsu. I am your host for tonight, Katsura Umeko… _

Round of applause with Saitou and pack booing… until Umeko's personal assistant Nami throws a kunai at their table. Tokio hits her husband with her fan for his misbehaviour. (She left her naginata at home after the ban.)

_Thank you, Nami. Tonight, we are here to…_

Shack owner Nagi enters. "Umeko-san! But you're dead! I just went to pay my respects at your grave! How- Why- what's going on?"

_This is an insanity fic. And sadly, I can't hold this show in my Umeya, considering some old pervert had a fire-spitting pyromaniac raze my restaurant to the ground during the Bakumatsu. Refreshments, Nagi-san?_

Nagi goes to get drinks and snacks for the audience. He strolls over to a table with the Aoiya-gumi, much to Umeko's horror as she recognizes one old man.

_OKINA? Who invited you?_ Okina gleefully blows mock kisses until Nami throws a kunai his way.

"Umeko-dono, seesha did… They are my friends…" Kenshin ventures from his seat.

_Kenni, make sure that old pervert does not harass the ladies, understand? Nice to see your wife's with you…Where's your son? You got Yahiko babysitting him? Are you sure that's wise?_

(Insert image of Yahiko screaming at Kenji not to break Kaoru's favourite vase in the Kamiya dojo, but Kenji breaks it all the same with a bokken, along with his mom's English tea set…)

* * *

_Back to the show, welcome all, alive or departed to the Sake Shack. We are here to thrash out any lingering questions or issues. Tonight, we have a favourite… _

Seta Soujirou steps into the tavern. "Excuse me. I need a room for the night…" He stops short as he recognizes several departed acquaintances. "Yumi-san? Usui? Great! I knew I should've gone easy on the sweets before bedtime!" Yumi is seated with Usui at the bar.

"Hey, brat! Shishio says you were such a letdown, he doesn't want to see your face..." Usui yells.

"Don't take it too hard, Soujirou. Shishio-sama's just busy running hell... and neglecting me." Yumi sighs.

Before Soujirou can react, he is surrounded by the Shinsengumi Comedian Trio.

"Aw, he's the splitting image of his father…"

"Where am I?" Soujirou decides that he really should be leaving. Things are getting freaky. He is lifted off his feet by Harada and hauled onto the makeshift stage.

_Kyoto's Sake Shack_

"KYOTO? I was in Hokkaido just ten minutes ago!"

_This is an insanity fic. Seta Soujirou, we have arranged a family reunion for you... _

"Family reunion? So they can torment me all over again? After I killed those (beeping-beep) for working me twenty-hour days, beating me up over everything and then trying to kill me…"

Okita Souji steps up to the stage. "Son, never use such language."

"Son? The last time I checked, my old man was a horny jerk with more mistresses than…"

"Soujirou! I am your real father!"

Soujirou is speechless.

_Folks, isn't this a touching moment? Okita never knew he had a son till years after his death. And Soujirou thought he was a Seta when he's an Okita all along. How did this mix-up of fate happen? Let's have a flashback sequence. Projector, please…_

"Umeko-san! Please! Not that night at the Red Lily! Man, I'm gonna be so embarrassed!" Okita scurries off to safety behind Hijikata.

"Hijikata-san, help! You were the one responsible for what happened!" Wolf-whistles and catcalls all around. Nami wheels out the projector and loads the reel. Soujirou sweat-drops mightily.

* * *

(Flashback to Tama's Red Lily Brothel) 

"_Hijikata-san, I think this is a rotten idea…" Kondo fidgets as Hijikata pulled a blindfolded Okita along. "Hush, you'll scare him. Souji, you can take it off now." Okita removes the blindfold. He is seated in a tea-room with his buddies around him, the Trio, Hijikata and Kondo. _

"_Happy birthday!"_

"_Where's the candy?"_

"_Okita, welcome to a man's world. Welcome to the Red Lily." Okita gives one big puzzled look. Hijikata whispers something into Okita's ear. Okita's eyes bug like a goldfish's._

"_Hijikata-san! I'll get into trouble! You and that tofu seller's wife… then Sakura-san from the next door dojo… That maidservant from the Takagi place… Sensei Kondo almost had you seppuku-ed!" _

"_Okita, it's alright to do it here! We've got a very pretty girl for you…" _

"_And you thought we were drinking tea," Shinpachi snickers. "We're here to make a man outta you! Even Hei-kun has done it. You're the only one left, Sou." _

"_I CAN'T!" Okita tries to bolt but Harada is blocking the only exit. _

"_Aw, Souji, meet Kohana." A very flushed-looking Toudou returns with a pretty female. "Trust me, she's good!"_

"_Hei-kun! Have you been getting into Souji's birthday presents?" _

"_Maybe, you did ask me to choose a suitable one," Toudou flees with the rest in pursuit, leaving Hijikata with Okita and the girl. _

"_Hijikata-san…" Okita pleaded to no avail. _

"_Souji, get yourself laid before I see you again, a few cups of sake should get you in the mood." He leaves. Okita glances at Kohana nervously. He decides to take Hijikata's advice and swiftly downs five cups of sake. Kohana attempts to flirt with him. _

"_Hi, handsome…" she purrs and moves close to Okita. She is promptly annoyed when Okita drops his sake cup and scrambles clean across the room. He trips and falls face-first into the waiting futon._

(Flashback End)

* * *

_The rest they say, is history…_

The Sake Shack is shaking with laughter. Okita hides his face in embarrassment. Soujirou is gaping like a goldfish out of water. "So I'm the by-product of some coming-of-age party?"

"I guess so, sonny-boy…" Kohana adds from her seat by the bar. "I wasn't sure who your dad was, except he is NOT that rice merchant. I mean, he can't even get it up. And all his other children weren't really his… I had a nice chat with his wife downstairs. But you started looking like your dad when you grew up. Too bad I died so soon after your birth, or I'd be getting on with some hunk of a Miburou…" She bats her eyelashes coquettishly at Hijikata. Okita has a horrified look on his face as he steps in front of his superior.

_The name?_

"Well,Souji was the most memorable of my customers… Most guys give empty promises, he gives me candy and loads of apologies before I got him drunk enough to shut up… and he was convinced a mob ofirate brothers will be bursting in any second to…"

_Let's let little Soujirou see his dad at his best. Nami?_ (Nami pops in reel.)

Screening of random flashbacks from the PMK anime of Okita. Okita pouncing on Hijikata in the middle of training, whining, "Toshi, you haven't played with me for a long time…" Okita prancing into town with Harada and Nagakura. Okita tripping off duty to buy candy. Okita playing with his pet pig and the orphans. _In short, Okita when he is not being serious. _

"Argh! My father's a frigging pansy!" Seta Soujirou reacts by promptly going into shock. The whole Shack is rocking with laughter, courtesy of most of the Ishin guys. Kenshin mouths "Give the man a break…"

Nami goes 'oops' and gets another reel. This time it is Okita at his best when he is swordfighting with various opponents, including Yoshida, Saitou and Battousai. _Too late…_ A traumatized Seta has to be rushed off to Yukishiro Tomoe, the new in-house psychiatrist, for treatment.

"KOHANA! Keep away from Hijikata-san!" Okita whines as he tries to pry the mother of his illegitimate son off his best friend's chest. Hijikata's looking decidedly embarrassed.

* * *

**A/N:**

Er, the low down on Okita's birthday bash. Yep, I hope it goes down well… Kohana's a real flirt. Pouncing on Toshi like that. More potential father-son bonding, once Seta gets over the shock. Bad Nami… Yukishiro Tomoe as a counsellor?

Once more, suggestions and reviews are welcome!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Glad the opening show was so well-received. Yes, Umeko's back… Great news, Umeko's Umeya has just received a new lease of life on a Shinsengumi Club forum. Refer to my profile. Due to the overwhelming response, I'm posting another chapter of insanity mid-week.

**Lolo:** Yeah, the coming-of-age rite (snicker). Well, that's the guys' definition of it. Poor Okita. Hanging about 'Big Brother' Hijikata did wonders for his love life, no? Poor lad grew up thinking if he does 'it' with a girl, her father/ brother/ husband's gonna come after him.

**M. Kasshoku:** Ryouma makes his first appearance in this fic. More on him later, I suppose. The pansy thing is one of my favourites. My first impression of PMK Okita was "Eh? Is that a girl? I thot girls weren't allowed in the group!" Seeing him with the pig and pouncing on Toshi didn't help much. Once he gets serious, well…

**Maeko-Nohara:** Calm down, cause there's loads more insanity coming up.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 2: Laundry and Cooking**

(In the back room of the Sake Shack, Yukishiro Tomoe has set up shop as a psychiatrist. Her first patient…)

Enishi fidgets uncomfortably. "Sis, is this alright? I am not a little boy, you know?"

"Hush, you'll always be a little brother to me," Tomoe strokes his hair with a gentle smile. He has his head resting on her lap. _Of course, she's doing this only because she was a mother figure to Enishi in life. _

Okina bursts into the room. "Woo-hoo! I need counselling! My turn!" Before Enishi and Tomoe can react, he tries to glomp Tomoe.

"Old perv!" Enishi grabs his sword and attacks Okina. They dash out with Okina fleeing Enishi's rage. "Creep! I'll cut you down to size!" Seta Soujirou stares as the old man and white-haired youth ran past him.

"Enishi, remember what we went through on anger management…" Tomoe yells after them. As they dash past the customers, there is more than one remark on the familiarity of the scene.

* * *

(Back on stage, Umeko has hauled up her next vic, I mean, guest.) 

_Himura Kenshin, you were known by many names, Shinta, Battousai, which was your favourite? _

Kenshin blushes beetroot red. "Er, Shinta?"

"Baka deshi! That's not a swordsman's name!" A roar erupts from a shadowy corner of the shack. Hiko Seijirou, thirteenth master of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu, stands up to his impressive full height.

"Hiko-sama!" Two ninja girls pounce on him. "Where were you hiding from us all this while?"

Umeko ignores the commotion and resumes grilling Kenshin.

_Shinta, you have had a life that is far from ordinary. Despite being a swordsman, you are known for your housekeeping skills. I know you were taught your culinary skills by a famous restaurant chef, but what of your laundry skills, before you were working for me, I mean, at a certain restaurant, you were known for your laundering skills. _

"I owe it all to my shishou… he gave me a lot of practice." Kenshin said as Hiko flees the shack with two ninja girls in pursuit.

* * *

(Flashback reel) 

_Young Kenshin waited for his shishou's return from the sake shack. Hiko returns covered with blood and sake. "Shishou…" Hiko had gotten into a drunken brawl at the shack, as usual…_

"_Kenshin, wash this and I want it to be spotlessly clean! Or no supper!" Kenshin caught the master's cape. It is muddied, bloodied and reeking of blood and sake. Hiko staggers off to bed._

"_Hai!"_

(End flashback)

* * *

Kaoru raises a hand. "Excuse me, but how did Kenshin learn to cook like a master chef?" 

_That is another story. Nami, please?

* * *

_

(Flashback to the Bakumatsu era, shortly after Tomoe's death.)

_Kenshin sat propped up against the far wall of his room at the Choushu HQ, a picture of utter desolation. Katsura and his aide gave a passing glance before going to the other room. _

"_I'm worried about the lad. He's fifteen, far too young… dammit! Kami, this is too cruel a blow even for a grown man. Tsuji, aren't you guys helping?" Katsura slams his fist against the tatami in an uncharacteristic show of emotion. _

"_We tried, Katsura-san, but none of us can reach him… We all feel real bad for them… Tomoe was a good girl… and Himura… The life just seemed to go outta him."_

"_Maybe a change in assignment…After all, we were all living at the Kohagi Inn with them. Tsuji, do any of the others need a bodyguard?"_

"_Er, Sakamoto…" On hearing a commotion in the street below, the duo rushes to the window to see the local patrol unit in hot pursuit of Sakamoto. Sure, they might be indulging any suicidal inclinations Himura has setting him up as Ryouma's bodyguard. _

"_Send him to my sister at Umeya. We need someone with level-headed wisdom and a gentle heart. If anyone can mend a broken spirit, she can…" They turn from the window, missing the sight of a naginata-wielding Umeko slugging it out with a restaurant customer who defaulted on his bill. _

(End Flashback)

* * *

"Oh my, that is a way of dealing with bad credit, too bad it will not work with Sano…" Tae murmurs. 

"Umeko-san, you were amazing! You brought Kenshin out of that depression alone?" Kaoru asks.

_I had help from Nami and the girls, Sakamoto, and of course, Kenshin's other friends, Sou-chan and Sagara-san. _

"Excuse me, Sakamoto was really not THAT helpful, Katsura-san ordered me to keep him away from his sister…" Kenshin ventures but is promptly cut off by Umeko.

_Lots of support from friends and family… that's the key. Oh yes, Kaoru, practice is the key to perfection. Kenshin took several tries to get his tempura fish edible…

* * *

_

(Flashback snaps of Kenshin's stint at Umeya.)

Kenshin trying to fry a fish and jumping back as oil splatters out of the pan. Kenshin apologizing to a very miso-soupy Sagara after spilling soup all over him. Kenshin looking a tad squeamish as Umeko guts an eel in front of him. A red-faced Kenshin walking in on the head waitress taking her bath. Kenshin getting nipped in the ankles by a certain customer's pet pig. Kenshin getting hit in the head with a ladle, radish and tea tray by Umeko after he attempts to stop her from going to the Sake Shack with a certain dark, handsome gun-toting samurai. Kenshin fighting it out with a masked amber-eyed intruder using a Gatotsu stance…

(Flashback ends amidst applause and much laughter)

* * *

"Ah, those were the days… Too bad Sano and Katsu aren't here…" Sagara murmured wistfully from the Sekihoutai tables. 

_Did I hear a request? And maybe a chance for a decent reunion of friends, who though were on different sides of the conflict, were still friends…_

Hijikata flinches. "Souji… She better not be speaking of what I think she is…"

"Aw, Toshi… it was so long ago…ne?" Okita bundles Kohana into a broom closet and away from his Toshi.

"Toshizou? Is there a problem?" San-nan asked innocently from where he is sharing a sushi platter with Akesato and her male companion, Sakamoto. Umeko has not noticed them yet…

"Hey, San-nan, is it alright with you letting her hang about that weirdo?" Hijikata asked San-nan as he points at Sakamoto Ryouma.

San-nan cleans his glasses. "It's alright, we're all friends, right? Toshizou, you gotta learn to let go at times."

"Yeah, sure…"

"Hey! Get Katsu and Sano-chan here!" A random Seikihoutai soldier shouts. "The little brats still owe us for their sorry pranks!" Sagara winces.

_We will look into that request... Oh my, look at the time… That's all for now, see you next time at the Sake Shack!_ (Round of applause)

* * *

(Tomoe's office) 

A smiling Seta Soujirou got up from the couch. "Arigatou, Yukishiro-san, I feel so much better letting it all out…"

"Anytime, after all, what are foster mothers for… Oops!" Tomoe realized too late she has let the cat out of the bag. Seta stared at her. "Foster mother?"

Okita has kind of drifted in to check on his boy. He coughed uncomfortably. "Son, after a drinking session, a friend and I promised to be foster father to each other's kids."

"And that friend is Himura Kenshin, my husband in life." Tomoe summed it up.

Seta gasps. "Good grief! You mean I almost killed my foster father in that duel at Mt Hiei?"

"Er, son, you didn't even come close… besides, that promise was made so long ago," Okita's eyes twinkled. "Maybe I should drop by and check on my cute red-haired foster son…"

* * *

(At Himura's table) 

"Kenshin, you mean our son's foster father's a dead Miburou?" Kenshin nods in reply to his current wife's question.

"And we have a foster son who's a wanted criminal and serial killer?" Another nod.

"BAKA KENSHIN!" Kenshin gets whacked on the head by Kaoru's bokken.

* * *

(Kamiya dojo. Kenji's bedroom.) 

Yahiko is lying out cold on the tatami after being completely freaked out by Okita's entrance,_ through Kenji's bedroom wall._ Okita ignores Yahiko and bends over the sleeping Kenji.

"Aw, so kawaii… just like your daddy… You'll grow up to be a great swordsman like him ne?" Okita pats Kenji-chan fondly on the head. Kenji continues sleeping.

* * *

**A/N:**

I believe most in the shack are familiar with the getting chased by a raging swordsman routine from PMK. More KenshinOkita friendship fluffies later. Hope Seta Soujirou's not too OOC. Poor Yahiko gets scared outta his socks by Okita. What a night for the babysitter… Okita and Tomoe are dead. The Sake Shack is in Kyoto and the Kamiya dojo is in Tokyo. Don't make me go into the technical aspects. This is an insanity fic.

Next issue, the Seikihoutai veterans' reunion?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**MaekoNohara:** Kenshin's not out of the woods yet. Take care.

**GirlWaterShaman: **What? When did I write that? In your dreams? (Frantically checks previous chapter)

**YamiChikara: **Yes, I like going crazy in the fics once in a while. A got the idea for this fic to clarify some incidents mentioned in the earlier newspapers, like the Kenni-Sou friendship and the pint-sized demon duo of Sano and Katsu. A reunion coming up!

**Lolopopoki:** I loved your fic! Do continue. Okina's a prev. If you've read my other fics, you'll know that. I mean, trying to proposition Umeko-san through her own column, harassing the womenfolk of Kyoto until they needed self-defence classes. And let's not forgot how the ladies of Kyoto celebrated his near-death at the hands of a certain okashira. As for the foster son thing, I'm showing how close Sou and Kenni were back then. I mean, those two would've got along well not withstanding the fact the clans they're with hate each other's guts.

**A-chan:** I am glad you like Umeko. As to whether Soujirou will be staying with the Kenshingumi, it depends on Kaoru, right? Sheltering a wanted fugitive can't be good for the rep of her dojo after all that bad press in the Bulletin. As to whether Sano will freak…let's see.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 3: Young Comrades-in-arms**

_Welcome back to the Sake Shack! I'm Katsura Umeko and I will be dealing with a very touching topic tonight, friendship…_

(Backstage)

"Sorry, Souji, I can't let you as my best friend, disgrace yourself on stage…" Hijikata dragged an unconscious Okita to the broom closet. The young captain is tied and gagged. San-nan and Chief Kondo looked on with unease.

"Toshi, is this a little extreme?"

"No, not at all…"

(Onstage)

_Okita Souji? Calling Okita… Oh my, I better move on to our next guest then. Also on friendship, I invite Sano and Katsu! First Sano! Not Harada Sanosuke!_ (Pushes Harada off the stage)_ I mean Sagara Sanosuke! A warm welcome!_ (Applause as the Sake Shack door swings open)

Sano is holding a bouquet of wildflowers and dressed in a very outlandish outfit. "Princess… what the?" He blinked as he looks around him. "Hey, I was about to be invited for supper by a charming Native American princess! What gives?" Nami escorts him to the stage.

_And Tsukioka Katsushiro! _

Katsu enters wearing a very ragged set of clothes and trailing an iron chain and ball. "I demand to be released! The people have a right to free press!"

_Also known as Tsunan, the editor of the Whole Picture tabloid, that was shut down last year. My source states that he was exiled to a Hokkaido prison without a fair trial… Okay, lads… What about telling us about your shared past in the Seikihoutai and prior to that?_

"Umeko-san? But you're dead! I attended your funeral!"

_Ahem, insanity fic…And don't get too spooked, Sano…_Sano is looking a tad pale.

"Oh, we met at the orphanage in Mibu after Sano got sent there… and that was the day we met taicho,"Katsu got over his initial shock.

* * *

(Flashback reel) 

_Young Katsu is merrily scrawling on wall when a teacher drags in a tied up Sano. Young Sano glared at the teacher. The teacher saw Katsu's handiwork. Both boys are dragged off to the closet and locked inside. "That's it! No supper for the both of you! One's runaway street rat and the other's a vandal! Sheesh!"_

_Both boys are scared and hungry. They hear a voice. Sagara's voice. "You can't lock kids up without supper, it isn't right…"_

"_Don't tell me what to do! You're just some lame excuse of a samurai on the community project from the YMSA!"_

_All the same, Sagara lets the boys out and gets them some onigiri. Soon the trio are sitting on the veranda._

"_What you need is some education…" Sagara tries to get the boys to write their names in the sand. Behind them, Okita and Kenshin are playing scissors, paper, stone over a plate of sweets._

(This little scene draw a ripple of laughter from the audience, and a groan from Hijikata…)

"_But that's for lousy samurai, not for peasant kids like us…" Sano kicks the sand. Katsu tries to write his name in Hiragana but ends up scrawling "Tsunan" instead. _

"_Sano, Katsu, everyone deserves an equal shot at school…" Sagara corrects Katsu. _

(End flashback)

* * *

"I still stand by that principle," Sagara smiled as he stepped up onto the stage. "Even though they booted me out of the YMSA for not being of a samurai family. Thank goodness Takasugi-san helped me with the Seikihoutai…" 

"Taicho!" Both Katsu and Sano give their mentor a hug. Sagara turns red in the face from embarrassment. "Easy, boys…"

_Sano and Katsu ran away from the orphanage and were quite unmanageable for a while after Sagara left. In particular, you terrorized a certain temple complex.

* * *

_

(Insert flashback. Shinsengumi HQ. Random guards on duty. Two homemade bombs sailed over the wall.)

_Guards: Argh! Not again! (Mad dash for cover)_

_BOOM! BOOM! (Katsu and Sano high-five-ing in an alley before running to flee the wrath of a wolf pack. The wall in the alley reads 'Mibrou sux', ''Down with the wolves' and 'Okita pig-kissing pansy'. And a caricature of Hijikata as a pig. )_

(After San-nan's death, Okita's room. Okita's really depressed. Strains of children's voices singing from the temple yard.)

_Okita killed San-nan… Okita- nichan killed Uncle San-nan…" Okita bangs in his head against the table in despair. _

_Outside, young Katsu and Sano are directing a group of children in chorus…Sano threatening to beat up anyone who does otherwise._

"_Okita killed his friend…" _

_With a groan, Okita crawls into his futon and pulls the blankets up around his ears. _

(End flashback)

* * *

"After lots of complaints, I finally get Takasugi-san to accept Sano and Katsu as full members of the Seikihoutai. For some reason, he was against the idea after a tragic incident with some under-aged samurai…" Sagara added. "However, these two imps still persisted with their pranks…" 

"Yeah, itching powder in our pants, random morning dousings and smoke bomb attacks…" Random soldier adds in as Sagara winces again.

* * *

(Flashback. A moonlit night in the bamboo forest near Kyoto tower. Two ten-year-old boys are standing guard over a morgue cart, supposedly. Actually, young Katsu and Sano are digging a wolf pit. ) 

"_Katsu, I'm bored! Let's take the cart for a spin!"_

"_No. Taicho ordered us to stay put! Think we'll trap a wolf?"_

"_Spoilsport! We can put in the stakes after our spin. When Sakamoto and his friend rode that cart through town, it seemed so fun! We'll be back before taicho even knows we're gone."_

"_OK…"_

_Both boys rode the cart down a steep slope. "WHEEEE!" SPLASH! They landed in the river. Back in the forest, an armed Ichimura Tetsu is hurrying to a secret duel between Okita and Battousai. _

_Ichimura thinks: Can't let Okita-san get hurt…Can't…_

"_AIEEE!" CRASH! He found the half-completed wolf trap. _

_Enter Sagara with a wounded Kenshin on one arm and an equally injured Okita on the other. "Trust you boys to actually… Crap!" He finds his cart and young guards gone. "Crap!" He narrowly misses stepping into the pit. He sees an out cold redhead inside. Then he hears the approach of Okita's patrol mates. With a loud curse, he drags Kenshin along as he flees for safety away from a wolf pack, leaving Okita behind._

(End flashback)

* * *

"So you two were ones who dug that pit! And I thought it was Suzu's handiwork!" Tetsu exclaims. 

"Baka Tetsu, as if I will pull such a cheap stunt on you…" Suzu adds from across the room.

_Yet on that fateful night, Katsu-chan was nowhere near Sano… because on the night before…_

"I took ill with a fever, okay?" Katsu made a face. "Spent a week with a peasant family."

"I tried to protect taicho, but I was just a weak boy then," Sano added sadly as he downs his eighth jar of sake. "The troop got massacred. And I swore to become stronger…"

"You called me into town in time to see taicho's head on a bench. I had nightmares for weeks."

"Katsu, you weren't the only one. Er, do you still wet your bed?"

"WHAT?" Katsu starts. Snickers from the Seikihoutai men.

"I mean, you wet your bed at the orphanage whenever you have a nightmare. If you still got that problem… I think Doctor Fox may be able to cure your chronic bed-wetting…"

"Sano! You promised not to tell!"

"Oops!" A very-much sobered Sano flees with an angry Katsu in pursuit. Katsu throws a couple of light explosives at Sano for good measure as Sano fled the shack. Claps and cheers from the Seikihoutai men. Sagara yells. "BOYS! Break it up!"

_Isn't friendship beautiful? And isn't it amazing how a chance encounter can change lives? Our next guest for tonight, everyone's favourite PEACEMAKER, Sakamoto Ryouma!_

(Cheers and applause from the audience. Spotlight on Ryouma.)

Ryouma: Aw, shucks, Sugar-plum… (signals Akesato aka Sara to move out of the spotlight. She obeys and pretends to be pouring a drink for San-nan.)

_Come on up!

* * *

_

**A/N**

Katsu and Sano were little terrors in the New Kyoto Post. The Okita-Kenshin duel happened in the New Kyoto Post, as the morgue cart mystery and wolf pit. Poor Katsu. Sano is a tad brainless at times, no? In my previous ficcies, Umeko has something against Sara/ Akesato over Ryouma. The next chapter's about Ryouma!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**A-chan:** Sano vs Sano? May give it some thought. Okita-sama's fangirls? Heh heh…

**Swirly: **OkitaxKenshin? Please! Hijikata-san will kill Kenshin…

**Lolo: **About the reason,I did write a bit on Katsu in my fic Obon. You can read it in detail there.

**Maeko: **If you thinkJanken is fun, wait till you see what Okita and Kenshin get up to!

Ryouma fans rejoice! A speech by Sakamoto.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 4: Window on the World**

_Welcome an outstanding man, who started our first naval academy and trading company… A man capable of forming a three-way alliance…_

Ryouma stands on the stage in the spotlight. "Aw, Sugar plum, you make me blush…"

Katsura Kogoro, Umeko's younger brother, waves a placard 'DO NOT SUGAR PLUM MY NEESAN!' from his seat. The other Ishin leaders sweat-drop at his display.

_From a young age, Ryouma-kun has displayed a desire to guide our young on the path to a brighter future…_ (Nami starts up projector)

(Flashback to a certain riverbank in Tama where we see a much younger Ryouma with a very cute little boy. The duo lazed on the grass under the shade of a pine tree. Ryouma's hair is done in the regular Japanese samurai top-knot. He is wearing a very Japanese yutaka and sandals. The boy is playing with a pinwheel.)

"_Ne, so there are other people out there? Not like us? People with hair like the sun? And eyes the colour of the sky?"_

"_Yes, Souji-kun. That's the truth, my sensei told me so. They're from America and Europe… It's a big world out there."_

"_Ryouma-san, are you going back to Tosa soon? Aw, you tell the greatest stories!"_

"_You know, I'm going to see the wide world, then I'll come and tell you all about it!"_

"_I promise, Souji-kun. Oh, you better get back to the dojo before your folks get worried."_

"_Okay!" Nine-year-old Souji tries to climb up the bank but it is very slippery. Ryouma tries to pull the boy up the bank. They both slip on the grass and wind up tumbling down the bank…_

_On the path on the top of the bank, a worried Hijikata Toshizou and Kondo Isami are looking for missing page boy Okita Souji. _

"_Souji! Where are you? It's not like the boy to stay out so late… Oh Buddha!" Kondo spots something at the bottom of the slope. The tumble down the bank had left Ryouma and the page boy in a position open to misunderstanding. Very BIG misunderstanding._

"_YOU PREV!" Hijikata draws his sword. He decided it will be a good time to teach someone a lesson. Ryouma took one look at the enraged young man, leapt to his feet and took to his heels, holding up his hakame as he ran. Yes, he tore his cloth belt during the fall. "CHILD-MOLESTING (BLEEP)!" _

"_Toshi! See to the boy!" Kondo and Hijikata attended to an out-cold Souji. Hijikata shook Souji. "Are you alright?"_

_A very dishevelled Souji manages a weak groan of pain. Hijikata looks at Kondo. "I think this is a good time to start teaching him kendo proper!"_

(End flashback)

"That's why I switched to leather belts," Ryouma laughed.

Shinsengumi table. "I regretted not catching up to the man…" Hijikata snorted.

_Yes, and you spent the next couple of years poisoning poor little Okita's mind against poor Sakamoto. _

"He was trying to poach Souji, like he tried to poach the Ichimura brothers!"

A lot of thumping from the broom closet. Kenshin decided to check it out. He opened the door and Okita fell out.

"Sou?"

Spotlight on Kenshin and Okita. Okita is being untied and ungagged by Kenshin.

"Kenni! Oki!" Ryouma strode over to them and hugs both men. "Let's go! You'll miss the show!"

Kenshin: "Oro!"

Okita: "G-get your hands off me!"

_Yes, Ryouma had a profound influence, even on a battle hardened hitokiri. _

(Flashback. Choushu Hideout)

_Kenshin and Katsura are waiting the arrival of someone. Katsura suddenly groans. "I've a headache, Kenshin, please…my medicine…" _

_Kenshin obediently goes to get the medicinal tea. Just as he is returning to the room… _

"_IRON BOY!" He gets glomped by Ryouma._

"_Aw, your hair's grown and you've gotten taller!" _

_Kenshin: "Oro?" He is seeing stars from the force of Ryouma's welcome hug. Katsura sticks his head out of the room. "Sakamoto-san, we're waiting…" His voice trails off as he takes in the scene before him. _

"_Oro…" Poor Kenshin._

(Flashback end)

_And he was well loved by all. _

(Insert random frames of Ryouma giving rousing speeches at his Nagasaki base, surrounded by cheering followers. Ryouma being followed by an Ichimura Tetsu. Ryouma and Tatsu riding through town on a cart as they are pursued by a Kyoto security patrol. Ryouma crossing swords, er, gun with Okita.)

Applause ran through the Shack, with a brood of Ryouma followers waving banners. Hijikata glared at his one-time colleague. San-nan is clapping too enthusiastically for a former Shinsengumi Vice-chief.

_Now a few words from yours truly…_ (hands mike over to Sakamoto)

Ryouma clears his throat before speaking. "Thank you for your kind support! I'm pleased to see some of my friends have done well in this era of peace. IRON BOY! Nice to see you bringing up a little PEACEMAKER of your own! Cute kid takes after his father!" Tetsu and Saya smile. Their son waves a tiny flag.

"And Red! Glad you took my advice to wander about a bit! Not too adventurous, aren't you? I was hoping you'll try seeing America! Cute son you got there! Who's the fine young man with you and your missus? Maybe I can write him a letter of recommendation to the navy?"

Yahiko goes all starry-eyed before Kaoru whacks him back into reality. Kenji is being taken care of by Kenshin.

"Calling my comrade, DRAGON BOY! Where's your bro, Iron Boy?" Sakamoto's getting a tad carried away now…

"Tatsu-nii says he's got a stomach-ache and left!" Tetsu replied.

"I wish to thank my sensei, my colleagues, and a special someone…"

Umeko goes all hopeful but promptly face-faults at his next words.

"Sara Mann, my lovely bodyguard!" Claps and wolf-whistles ring out as the spotlight centres on the blond kunoichi. Ryouma blows her a kiss in fun.

Umeko lets out a loud scream of outrage and grabs her naginata. Ryouma realizes his mistake. "Er, and my platonic soul-mate, Umeko?"

Too late. He is pursued out of the shack by an angry Umeko. Nami closes the show.

"That's all for tonight, folks, thank you for coming. Do drop by for more fun…"

"And the best of OKITA-SAMA!" Hotaru squealed.

"Yes, Okita and Kenshin… and that Sake Shack poetry night!"

Hijikata groaned.

* * *

**A/N: **

Ano, poor Sakamoto. Okita-sama's fan club will be in the house! I don't know how Sakamoto got exposed to the outside world or when he met the Ichimura bros' father. So I let it happen before the Tama-Tosa student exchange .

Point of interest: Yamanami, Toudou and Sakamoto were from the same school of kendo, though different dojos.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**M. Kasshoku:** Well, Sara is very beautiful and exotic in her looks, I mean, how many blond cuties do you find in Bakumatsu-era Japan?

**Swirly:** I gave Battousai Red as a codename in a certain Personal Ad in _New Kyoto Post_. Maybe Hijikata will kill Kenshin first, then kill Okita once he learns of poetry night… About Dragon Boy Tatsunosuke… Well, the kanji for Tatsu translates to 'Dragon' or 'the hour of the Dragon' to be exact. Hope that clarifies things.

**Lolo:** The Okita-Kenshin chapter awaits! Muahahahaha…

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 5: Fateful Friendship**

Nami looks around worriedly. Finally, she takes the mike.

Nami_: Umeko-san has gone AWOL and is most likely lost again. We have some volunteers from the former Shinsengumi and the Choushu currently looking for her. So allow me to start the show in her absence. I am Nami, her personal assistant. Still single and now running my own maid agency with a few girls from Umeya. Tonight, we have a touching tale of friendship, of two young men from different sides of the conflict..._

Tetsu looked uneasily at Suzu across the room. Suzu glares back at him.

_Let's welcome Okita Souji and Himura Kenshin! _

Okita and Kenshin took the stage.

_Tell our audience how you met._

Kenshin: It was at a community service project at the local orphanage…

* * *

(Flashback. Okita playing with the children. Kenshin comes with a top. Children see Kenshin and runs towards him.)

_Children: Sou-nichan! This is Kenni-kun! He spins tops the best!"_

_Sou and Kenni study each other for a while. Then Saizou nips Kenni's ankle. "Ow!"_

"_SAIZOU! Let go!"_

(End flashback)

* * *

Okita: "Then we learnt that we have loads in common, like an appreciation for fine arts and literature, kendo and selfless service to the community. Yes, Kenni had loads of promise as a swordsman, even as a boy…"

_Were you trying to poach him? I mean, looking out for talent in the schoolyard?_

Okita: "Oh no... He was like a kid brother to me."

Kondo yells from his table. "Fess up, Okita, you were going to get him to join us at that dinner after Ikeda-ya, the one he missed for reasons we all now know."

* * *

(Flashback. Okita is measuring a Shinsengumi uniform haori in the training hall.)

_Okita: "Hijikata-san, it's too big for Tetsu, but I think I know someone it'll fit!" _

_Hijikata: "Who?"_

_Okita: "I'm gonna introduce him to you at the Gion festival, ok? He's a great swordman given his age."_

"_Souji, no more brats!" Toshi's eyebrow twitched as Tetsu spilled the tea again. _

(End)

* * *

Okita: "I never guessed he was Battousai then!"

Kenshin: "I found out your true identity at that clinic."

* * *

(Flashback reel)

_Okita is being helped by Kenshin into the Kyoto Public Health Clinic. _

_Okita: Cough, cough…_

_Kenshin: Sou, sure you alright? You wait for your turn. Be right back. (leaves)_

_Okita overheard a conversation between a doctor and his assistant. "Another TB epidemic. Now the rules say all TB patients will be sent to Hokkaido or something together with the lepers." Okita decides he has heard enough and sneaks away. _

_Kenshin returns to find Sou gone. Before he can figure out what's going on, a nurse hands him Okita's patient card. "Sir, the doctor will see you now…"_

"_But miss! I'm not…" Kenshin sees the name on the card. "Okita Souji of the Shinsengumi…" Drops card and leaves in a state of shock. _

(End flashback)

* * *

Kenshin: "I wrote in to Umeko's column for advice and got some from Shishio. I tried following his advice and wound up injuring a new colleague who later went AWOL."

* * *

(Flashback. Kohagi Inn dining hall. Katsura is introducing Okita's lookalike, Kichisaburo to the men. Kenshin is in the backyard doing laundry.)

_Katsura: Men, this is Kichisaburo. Not Okita. He is our colleague as of now. (leaves)_

_Random samurai: Hey, kid, don't you work at the Boys' Teahouse?_

_Kichi: …_

_Random samurai: What's it? You miss us? _

_Kichi finally has enough of being harassed. "Get your hands off me! DIE, you filthy dogs!" Kenshin enters room just in time to see Kichi attacking the others. He reacts by drawing his sword. Katsura rushes to the scene, just as Kenshin slices off the tip of Kichi's nose. "Break it up! Kenshin! What are you doing?"_

_Kenshin: "Er, trying to save the others from Okita?" Katsura explains the truth of the matter to Kenshin._

_Kichi: "Why didn't you kill me?"_

_Kenshin: "Because I…" Can't bring myself to kill a friend. "Can't bring myself to follow Shishio-san's advice." _

_Kichi tries to attack Kenshin but is restrained by the other samurai. "Kichi, it ain't worth the risk, kid! That boy's Battousai himself." _

_Kenshin: "Sorry, so very sorry…"_

(End flashback)

* * *

Okita stares at Kenshin. "You mean you had so many chances to kill me and you passed them up? I met you a few times after the clinic visit in the schoolyard."

"Didn't want to upset the kids."

_Then came an incident in this very same place…And poetry night! _(Hijikata groans)

* * *

(Flashback to Sake Shack shortly after Sannan's death. The shack is crowded with off-duty peacekeepers and other samurai types, including Ishin supporters. Kenshin is drinking alone. Okita is drinking alone. He has Saizou in his lap. Both men are slightly tipsy. Kenshin spots Okita and staggers over.)

"_Sou, life's real screwed up right?" Okita stared back. Kenshin has always been wearing a plaster on his face to cover the cross-scar, as usual. He nods in reply. Kenshin takes a chair and sits at Okita's table. "Upset?"_

"_One of my friends just died. Seppuku." Okita murmurs. "A good man."_

"_That's why life's screwed," Kenshin adds. "My wife died… She's a good woman…"_

"_You got married? Any kids?"_

"_And widowed in six months. No time for kids." Kenshin adds. "Why don't we be godfather to each other's kids? If we ever have any…" Okita pats Kenshin on the shoulder and accidentally drops the infamous haiku book. Kenshin picked it up. _

"_Haikus. They're to cheer me up…but they don't work…"_

"_You're doing it wrongly. Haiku oughta to be read out loud like my shishou does it!" Kenshin clears his throat and prepares to read._

(Reel abruptly ends as Hijikata slices the projector in two with an enraged roar.)

* * *

Hijikata: "SOUJI! How could you show MY haikus to an Ishinshishi?"

Okita: "Aw, Hijikata-san, fine literature should be shared…"

_Please stand by for technical difficulties. Souji, it was after that night you learnt from a certain source that Kenni is Battousai. What were your thoughts?_

Okita replies. "I was shocked. I mean, I just lost one friend and now I may have to kill another one. It was a nightmare! Can you understand that?"

Kenshin nods. "I was putting off actually having to fight you. Duty versus friendship… what a dilemma! That incident was a near one when Saitou stepped in for you. Then I was relieved when I thought you had passed on from natural causes."

Okita: "The newspaper guys got it so wrong…"

_We can't have that flashback reel, since someone just broke the projector… How about you act it out for us what happened at Umeya's kitchen?_

Hotaru: "I'll stand in for Umeko-dono!" A howl of outrage from the other members of the We-Luv-Okita-sama club as she glomps Okita.

_Hotaru-san, Umeko did not hug him, ok? She was screaming like… GHOST! EEK!_

Kenshin continued. "I came running and… Sou? Is that you?" He walks up to Okita and feels his shoulder to see if he's solid. "SOU! Glad you're still alive!" Kenshin hugs Okita hard.

"Ow! I still got to kill you! Ow!"

"Sorry, forgot about your injuries… kill me later, ok?"

"Umeko-san? She's fainted!"

"And we ended up rushing her to the clinic together…" Kenshin summed up.

Repairman: "Miss Nami, the projector should be fixed shortly!"

_Now for a break…

* * *

_

In the washroom, the two Sanos are using the head. Harada turns to the younger Sanosuke. "Hey kiddo, you Sano Junior right?"

"Don't junior me, old man! The name's Sagara Sanosuke."

"Why you punk! Let's settle this outside!"

"ON!"

Shinpachi, Heisuke and Saitou watch as both Sanos marched out of the shack. Harada with his spear and Sagara with his zanza. The two Comedians sweatdropped. Saitou murmured, "Ahous, both of them…" He lit a cigarette and got a rap on the knuckles from his wife for smoking near their son.

Loud crashes and sound of things being smashed outside the Shack.

* * *

**A/N:**

Poetry night in the Shack! A spot of impromptu acting by Kenshin and Okita. Kichi's reasons for going AWOL can be found in the New Kyoto Post's Ask Shishio column. It involves an unmarked grave somewhere…

Since Okita-Kenshin friendship is so popular, I'm adding another chapter for it. Cheerio!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Only one thing to say: More of Kenshin and Okita friendship fluffies coming up! And a side show by the Sanos.

Er, no Hijikata's haiku on hand. Will some of Okita's love poetry to a certain Miburou do? (Runs from an angry Saitou)

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 6: Trying Times**

_Welcome back. The projector's fixed. Good to see everyone back and well, most of you anyhow._

Both Sanos are back in the Shack and being attended to by Megumi. They're being real chummy now after having cracked a couple of bones and totalled both their weapons in a 'friendly' duel outside.

"Say, Sagara-san, you sure can throw those punches!" Harada thumped Sano on the back.

"Which he shouldn't be throwing!" Megumi rebuked as she bandaged Sano's hand.

"Harada, you should have a better way of making friends aside from bashing them…" San-nan pointed out as he returned from a failed search for Umeko-san.

(On stage) _Okita, Himura, it was during the Bakumatsu and you were on different sides. Did it ever occur that you were fraternizing with the enemy? Battousai did cross swords with the wolves on many occasions…_

Okita: "Let's say we did try to avoid confrontation… but it was inevitable."

Kenshin: "Yes, I still am sorry about that… it was Sakamoto's idea I distract you guys."

* * *

(Flashback reel. Kyoto.) 

_The day Ryouma and company are to sneak in for an important Ishin meeting. The Shinsengumi roadblocks are tight. And the patrols are on high alert. Kenshin is waiting on a bridge with a Choushu banner along the route the first patrol will take._

_Kenshin silently pleads for Okita's forgiveness. Spotting Okita and his men, he starts waving the banner wildly. Okita spots the redhead and cursed silently. He motions to his men to turn into an alley. _

"_Sir! Isn't that Battousai?"_

"_It may be a trap. Hold your ground, men. Do not attack…" What are you up to, Ken?_

_Seeing Okita's reluctance, Kenshin ups the amp by shouting anti-Shinsengumi slogans. Okita's face darkens but to his men's surprise, the captain makes no move. Kenshin walks right up to the patrol and shreds their banners with his sword. That was the last straw._

"_BATTOUSAI! YOU'RE MINE!" Okita drew his sword and yelled as he led his men in pursuit of the fleeing redhead. _

(End flashback)

* * *

The Shack is rocking with laughter. 

"He did the same thing to my men at the HQ gate!" Nagakura exclaimed between chortles. "The huge joke was that Sakamoto and gang got in because Hei-kun looked the other way while we were chasing Battousai all over town."

"He challenged me to a duel," Kenshin added.

"He accepted, at a later date…" Okita continued. "We both lived."

"We couldn't decide who should make the first move…"

* * *

(Kyoto Tower. Late at night.) 

_Okita and Kenshin face each other. They are both in the battou-stance. They have been standing in that pose for a while. Captain Sagara is watching from a safe distance._

"_Hurry up and draw your sword, Kenni. My mates will be wondering where I took off to."_

"_You draw first!"_

"_Why don't we play a round of janken to decide? Loser draws first!" _

_Sagara face-faults: "I don't believe this…Kami-sama! They're like two kids…"_

(End reel)

* * *

More laughs from the audience. Hijikata looks ready to kill Okita for that. 

_Then came the parting as Kenshin took off after the battle of Toba Fushimi and Okita got put away in a hospital for his illness… They never met again…_

Kenshin: Nami-san, correction. We did meet one last time. When I was in Tokyo after vanishing as Battousai, I had some business at certain dojo. I made use of this opportunity to drop by and visit a friend…

* * *

(Flashback. Edo TB Hospital. Okita's ward. Okita is busy fending off a very shrewish woman, namely, his sister.) 

"_Souji-chan, be a good boy and take your medicine!"_

"_That's not my medicine! That's rat poison! Cough, cough…If you want me dead, just let me commit seppuku!"_

"_You little rat, if you commit seppuku, I can't sue the hospital for medical negligence!" She tries to force-feed him. _

_A familiar redhead steps into the room. "Am I interrupting something?" Okita's sister glares at him but she is frightened by his fierce amber eyes. Kenshin yanks off the plaster over his cross-scar…_

"_AAIEEEE! You're that psycho Battousai guy!" The woman flees for her life. Okita is coughing blood and laughing into his pillow. _

"_Thanks, Kenni…" Okita finally wipes his mouth with a sleeve. "How did you know I'm here? Cough…"_

"_Your half-brother in the Ishishishi told me before I left Toba Fushimi. Heard the news that the Miburou are going up to Hokkaido. Thought I'd drop in and see you." Kenshin pulled up a chair by Okita's bedside. Okita settled back on the bed._

"_Kenni… you gonna be a big man in the new government? Like Sagara-san says he's gonna push for a no tax bill…" Okita was not too surprised when Kenshin shook his head. "That isn't your style, anyway… I suppose you'd disappear as Battousai and wander about helping the weak and seeing the world…"_

_Kenshin waits for Okita to continue. "Sou?" He reached out with a trembling hand to shake Okita. Finally realizing the truth behind his friend's silence, he drew the blanket up over Souji's face. _

(End reel)

* * *

Okita: "That was freaky! Seeing my own death…" 

Kenshin: "What's more freaky is seeing your sister trying to kill you. Your half-brother was kinda glad when he heard you got admitted. He wasn't too keen on running into you in Hokkaido."

Okita: "I got escorted to the afterlife by Sagara-san… Then I met Sakamoto-san and Takasugi-san and we four wound up attending an introductory course on being a ghost and haunting methods…"

The We-Luv-Okita Club is bawling their eyes out. Hijikata hollered. "Okita! We need to talk about your fraternizing with the enemy!"

Okita grinned childishly. "I did try for the pro-Shogunate class but they were all full up. Mou, should I commit seppuku?" He teased.

"Better," Hijikata added. "Girls! Okita will go out with the first girl to ask him!" Squeals of delight from his fangirls. Okita paled.

"Hijikata-san, let's not be too hasty…"

"OKITA-SAMA!"

"HELP!" Okita fled with a horde of rabid fangirls in pursuit.

Soujirou watches from where he is sitting with Yumi and several members of the Juppon Gatana. "My father is a moron…" He gets up and heads for Tomoe's counselling office at the back of the shack.

Chou is slightly tipsy as he walks over to Saitou's table. "Say, boss, that youngster had a crush on you right? I still remember those mushy love letters he wrote to you on display at the museum's Bakumatsu exhibit … handy for wooing girls, you know?" He coughs to clear his throat and quotes as Saitou glares at him.

_Knowing you  
__Is my solace  
__Longing for you  
__Love of my life_

_In waiting for  
__The night  
__Our hearts beat together  
__Under a starry sky…_

"CHOU!" Totally miffed, he draws his sword and goes into a Gatotsu stance. Chou realized he has overstepped himself. "Oops… let's not be too hasty, boss…I'M SORRY!" He flees with Saitou in pursuit. Tokio shook her head and turned to Shinpachi.

"How did Souji-chan managed to write such mushy stuff, and not to a girl? You don't suppose…"

"Copied the tone from Hijikata-san's haikus. Hijikata-san always put LOTS of LOVE in his poetry…" Shinpachi explained.

_Well, that's all for tonight, folks! See you next time! Hopefully, we'll have Umeko-san back!

* * *

_

**A/N:**

Battousai baiting the wolves from the New Kyoto Post. Okita was rumoured to have a half-brother in the Ishin. I'm making Okita's family life really screwed in these fics. I mean, there has to be a reason why he is so close to the gang at the Sheiken dojo. A mercenary sister, a rebellious half-brother… A distant cousin (Tokio) who was out to hunt a certain wolf (Saitou)…

Heh, the museum exhibit mix-up from the Japan Bulletin. The love letter is really a code letter. Take the first letter of each sentence and read. It's an order from Demon Hijikata.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**M. Kasshoku: **Soujirou will get to see how deadly his old man can be…

Clarification on haikus: They are 3 line poetry with the following structure.

Line 1: 5 syllables  
Line 2: 7 syllables  
Line 3: 5 syllables.

The Kill-Itou poem is not a haiku.

On with the show, well, sorta

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 7: Aoiya Nite**

When Kenshin was getting ready to leave for the Shack, he finds a letter from Aoshi on his doorstep. It left him scratching his head.

"_Himura-san, do me a favour and stay home, ok? And Happy Birthday."_

In the Kyoto Sake Shack, Makimachi Misao is standing onstage. With her is a sullen Aoshi. Aoshi speaks. "Misao, do we have to go through with this?" Misao nods in her hyper genki manner. "Well, the Ishin are still looking for Umeko-san. Besides, Aoshi-sama, you promised me that if you lose to me at janken…"

"I got to reveal my experiences in the Oniwabanshu's heyday… got it…" Aoshi did not sound too keen as he loaded the projector. Misao takes the mike.

_Since Umeko's still chasing after some samurai and her waitresses are hounding a wolf, all except Miss Nami, who for reasons unknown, is kinda tied up at this moment. Welcome to Aoiya Nite!_

In an empty house a few streets from the shack, a bound and gagged Nami is trying desperately to free herself. The last thing she recalled was opening her door to one hot okashira Aoshi before everything went black.

_Shinomori Aoshi became okashira at age sixteen… because he is SO talented. Okina had no choice but to step down. That reason in addition to the fact Ji-ya was facing a sexual harassment suit from the Edo kunoichi branch… _

"She's lying! I never harassed the girls!" Okina exclaimed then he reached out to pinch the bottom of Yamizaki Ayumu as she was passing by his table. Ayumu gave a squeak of alarm. Her younger brother Susumu glared at the old man before asking his sister. "May I?"

Ayumu shook her head, took out her own kunai and attacked Okina ninja style.

Aoshi coughed before continuing. "Actually it was a big job. Edo Castle Security was quite a responsibility. The action was all in Kyoto and I had difficulties finding staff…"

* * *

(Flashback to Kyoto Tower bamboo forest at night. Edo Castle Security Job Applications.)

_Shinomori is looking very stern. A big muscle man is showing off his muscles. "How are your fighting skills?" Aoshi drew his kodachi. Mr Muscles blinked in surprise. "Fighting? Isn't this the tryout for Mr Muscles Japan?"_

_Aoshi sweatdrops. "NEXT!" _

_Next is a pot bellied young man. "Any skills for Edo Castle Security?" Aoshi asks._

"_Er, I spit fire…" The candidate tries unsuccessfully to demonstrate his abilities. "NEXT!"_

_Next candidate. "I shoot darts," a small man declared. He tries and all the darts misses by a mile. One gets Aoshi in the sleeve. Aoshi was standing behind him. Aoshi throws the dart away in disgust. _

"_NEXT!" To Aoshi's surprise, his assistant, Hannya, arrives with a little ninja toddler. Misao. _

"_Hannya, what is the meaning of this?"_

"_Okina-san says you're to take care of her until he can get a nursemaid. The nursemaid interviews were unsuccessful…" Hannya's words trail off as they observe Okina's flight from a mob of very angry would-be nursemaids. _

(End flashback)

* * *

Misao: That was how we first met! (Heart-heart-heart)

Hannya calls out. "Boss, we've improved loads since then!"

Aoshi manages a rare grin. "I even considered transferring to Kyoto as the Shinsengumi's shinobi after Yamazaki resigned to be a doctor. I was an idealist. I thought, working with a group of honourable samurai can't be bad. I was so wrong…"

* * *

(Shinsengumi HQ. The one they are sharing with a certain temple)

_Aoshi strolls along on his first day of work in his new job. It seemed nothing can go wrong. He greets a couple of monks and the new doctor Yamazaki before continuing on his way… Then he turns the corner… His face darkens and he stomps off to Hijikata-san's office. Hijikata looks up as Shinomori enters. Okita is there writing letters. _

"_Shinomori, how's things? Okita, meet Shinomori…"_

_Without a word, Aoshi bows and hands a letter to Hijikata. "Letter of resignation? But why?"_

"_Go behind the library and see for yourself." Aoshi leaves without even a backwards glance. The two Miburou stare at each other. _

_On the way to the said spot, Okita turns to Hijikata… "Toshi, I wonder what upset him so?"_

_They turn the corner and find Saitou Hajime and Tokio in a position that leaves nothing to misunderstanding. Okita's face darkens and takes on a demonic cast. "HAJIME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY COUSIN?" _

_He then launches off into a rant about how he's gonna kill Saitou Hajime, very painfully. Hijikata restrains the enraged Okita. "Saitou! Marry her! MARRY HER IMMEDIATELY! This is AN ORDER!" Seeing the two of the Trio passing by, "Sano! Shinpachi! Hold him! Hurry before he kills Hajime for real!" It takes all three men to restrain Okita. _

(Flashback ends)

* * *

Soujirou: "Wow, and I thought Shishio-sama in a bad mood was scary…"

Everyone is sniggering. Saitou groans and tries to disappear by creeping to the door. Tokio decides that she is in the mood and pounces on him. "Hajime-kun, what say we give Tsu-chan another little brother or sister?"

"Here? Now?" Saitou blinks in bewilderment. Tokio shook her head but added seductively. "I think there's a nice abandoned water mill to the west… just a short walk away…" She kissed him on the lips before running off giggling. Left with no choice, he followed.

"What does she see in him?" Megumi wonders and shakes her head. Misao grins and continues.

_Now for more of Misao, cool ninja gal!_ _All the best of Misao and Aoshi! Ta-da!_

Okita whispers something to the Shinsengumi spooks and they start to leave quietly.

(Random flashbacks of young Misao practicing her ninja skills with Aoshi. After using a certain restaurant for kunai target practice, she and her baby sitter flee from an angry naginata-swinging Umeko-dono. Misao's first steps on the roof and subsequent fall into her guardian's waiting arms. Aoshi doing laundry with Misao piggy-backing. An slightly older Misao playing ball with Aoshi and his gang. A more recent shot of Misao smashing a tablet and altar, sending the fragments the way of a former wolf-turned-cop smoking outside Kamiya dojo. )

_I'm so uber-COOL!_

Aoshi: "Misao, that is quite enough…"

_More Misao! (Goes all hyped up and waves big rising-sun-type fans)_

Amidst much grumbling, everyone starts getting up to leave. Gentatsu, Toki and Shigure (from the Samurai X movie 2000) are among them.

Gentatsu: "We get back from the dead and this is the best show they've got to offer, jeez!"

Toki: "The previous shows were much better… they had actual swordfight sequences…"

Shigure: "What a letdown… Hey! I remember there's this place in Tokyo where…" (whispers into Gentatsu's ears so Toki cannot hear his words)

Gentatsu's eyes light up "Shigure, you sly dog! Toki-chan, go home and sleep now, ok?"

Both Shigure and Gentatsu chortle as they floated out, _(They're ghosts, remember?)_ leaving one very puzzled Toki behind.

* * *

Tokyo. Kamiya dojo. The Bakumatsu spooks are throwing a birthday bash for Kenshin. Basically, the dojo looks like the set up for the _Afterlife Spooks Annual Bash._ One Himura Kenshin, in his PJs, is looking decidedly worried as Okita takes his Kenji 'flying' onto the roof. Kaoru's screaming as the ghosts, many of whom met REALLY bloody ends by Battousai's blade, bled freely on the tatami. Tomoe, bleeding copiously from her fatal wound, tries to calm her down.

"Seesha appreciate your kindness, but can you leave seesha and family in peace now?" Kenshin sweat-drops as Kondo starts a round of head-polo with some decapitated spooks in the dojo.

"Not a chance, Battousai!" Tomoe's fiancé, Kiyosato, pats him on the back. "Look who's here!"

Gentatsu and Shigure float in. "Happy birthday, Himura-san! We brought the others of the Mimawarigumi as well!"

Kenshin groans as the other Kyoto peacekeeping unit joined their Shinsengumi counterparts for the festivities. Okita is running from a sword-wielding Hijikata after scrawling choice haiku on the dojo wall. Kenji is being rescued from the roof by Yahiko.

A naginata-holding woman peers in. "Excuse me, is this Kyoto Sake Shack?"

"UMEKO-DONO?" Everyone freezes and face-faults anime-style. Yes, our lovely Umeko-dono's direction sense has outdone itself again.

* * *

**A/N:**

The Mimawarigumi is the other Kyoto peacekeeping unit. They are not as famous as the Miburou and they patrol a different part of the city. Coincidentally, Tomoe's fiancé , Gentatsu and Shigure were in that group. Party at Kamiya Dojo! Sounds like they need an exorcist… at least they found Umeko-dono.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Someone once reviewed asking what does Tokio see in her husband? Exclusive interview with the happy couple!

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 8: Love is Blind**

Umeko's back in the Shack! Tonight, she has with her the mysterious Takagi Tokio, wife of Saitou Hajime. A grumpy Saitou is next to her, holding their young sons. One in each arm.

_Takagi-san, many of us here tonight wonder why you chose your husband. I mean, you were pretty, had wealth and status…_

Tokio: "Umeko-san, when I first saw him, I knew he was the one for me…"

* * *

_(Flashback. A marketplace near the Takagi mansion. A teenaged Okita Souji is escorting his older cousin Tokio to visit an aunt. They stop at a stall for candy. Near the stall were a father and his teenage son. The teen is Saitou Hajime. He is holding a sword.)_

_Hajime: "Father, must I sell the sword?" _

_Yamaguchi (Saitou's father): "Yamaguchi Hajime! Do you dare to defy the spirits? Sell the sword or you'll live your life by it! As if your brother being killed in a duel wasn't enough!"_

_Okita strolls over to check out the sword. He needed a new one._

_Suddenly chaos breaks loose as some riff-raff try to kidnap Miss Tokio. Okita reacts, as does Hajime. Both teens made short work of the would-be kidnappers. _

_Tokio goes all starry-eyed at Hajime as he and her younger cousin slashed their opponents down to size. _

_Just when they think it is over, Hajime sensed that the mastermind behind the incident was nearby. Using his psychic abilities, he locates the man hiding behind a basket and kills him with the sword he was about to sell to Okita. Seeing the face of the mastermind, Okita gasps in horror._

_Okita: "Tokio-san! It's that Tokugawa relation you just turned down last week! Oh no!"_

_Having killed a big man, Hajime realized he is in deep trouble. He looks for his father. Yamaguchi senior is gone. In his place is a letter to his son, disowning him. "Hajime, you moron! You're no son of mine."_

"_Don't worry, I've a plan…" Tokio smiles mysteriously._

(End reel)

* * *

Tokio:" In short, I got my dad to pull a few strings. We came up with Saitou Hajime as Hajime-kun's new name and wrote him a recommendation letter to the then Roshingumi soon to be Shinsengumi… And we also got engaged…" 

Saitou: "I swore that when I signed that contract, engagement was not on it!"

Tokio: "Too bad, Hajime-kun. You should have read me more clearly. Lemon juice, you know…"

Saitou softens his tone. "You sly she-wolf…" He grins.

_Your courtship was full of ups and downs. Yet you found the persistence to chase your man into Kyoto and pester him. Saitou, what do you make of Tokio's persistence?_

Saitou: "I was afraid she'll marry me only to be widowed given the situation then. I mean, the turnover rate for swordsmen was very high! I need to recruit new men every two weeks for my patrol. So I tried to break off our engagement."

Tokio (quoting): "One night is memory for a lifetime."

Saitou: "Yes, I understand her feelings but it doesn't seem right…"

Okita (from the audience): "It wasn't right when you left her standing at the altar! If I wasn't so bothered by my hentai cousin, I'd kill you."

Saitou: "Ah, now I see why the codes came in the form of love letters… you had Itou and gang thinking I'm gay!"

Okita: "You started it first! Who told that hentai I'm crazy over him? When I was helping Tokio prepare for the ceremony, that no-good brother of hers was trying to get me in a bridal gown!"

"Okita! It's time we settled this. Draw your sword!" Saitou hands his sons over to his wife and draws his sword. Okita replies by going into his demon mode and draws his own sword. Silence falls on the shack as the tension thickened. Energy crackled. Saizou ducked under a table for safety.

"Oh goody," Shinpachi turns to Seta Soujirou. "It's been a while since your pa got this serious."

Soujirou: "Thank goodness I don't have to face my pa or Saitou-san for that matter…" For the first time in a very long while, the young man is feeling fear.

The tension is suddenly broken by a clash of steel against steel as their blades caught. Okita slid his blade along Saitou's until their hilts locked. Then he suddenly drew back.

"Hajime! It ain't fun when you aren't serious! I'll never get used to you in that police uniform!"

"As for you, Okita, even in that Shinsengumi uniform, you still resemble a girl!"

Laughing, Okita sheathed his sword. Saitou gave a little smile, different from his smirk, as he sheathed his. He took his eldest son from his wife.

_Kindly note that for safety reasons, all fights involving weapons and mass destruction will be taken outside. Now back to the show. Hajime, Tokio, when was your most memorable date?_

Tokio: "The premiere of Tale of Genji at the old kabuki theatre. It was the first time Hajime actually went on a date with me, even if Souji-chan marched him there."

* * *

(Flashback. Old kabuki theatre. Okita is marching Saitou to where Tokio is waiting. Saitou is being marched at katana-point by Okita.) 

_Okita: Enjoy yourselves! I'm going to check out the new candy selection at Umeya! Ta-ta! (skips off singing about apple candy)_

_The couple goes inside. Saitou reluctantly with Tokio pulling him along. _

_Tokio: Hajime, after this bloody revolt's over, we'll get married… (shoujo-type swooning)_

_Saitou: Correction. After this ends, I'm going to become a Buddhist monk in a remote mountain monastery and chant sutras for the souls of my deceased comrades…_

_Tokio: HAJIME! GO TO HELL! (Slams her fan on his head)_

_Audience: SSSHHHHH!_

(End reel)

* * *

Audience members in the Sake Shack are laughing. 

Tokio: He fobbed off my earlier attempts to get him on a date by setting me up with his colleagues. But that was the last time we went to the kabuki theatre in a very long time. We both got thrown out and banned.

_Saitou, you were known for your ability to melt into the background, gift of clairvoyance and stoicism. Did any of your talents work with Tokio?_

Saitou: None. She finds me all the time, chases me with the stamina of a wolf. When she's on my tail, my meditative calm and psychic abilities fly out the window. When I was laid up after that Battousai broke my jaw in a soba place…

* * *

(Flashback. Shinsengumi HQ. Saitou-san's quarters. Saitou is lying in a futon with a bandage holding his broken jaw. Harada and Shinpachi are outside.) 

_Shinpachi: (from outside) Ah, Miss Takagi, here to visit Saitou-san again?_

_Saitou leapt out of his futon and looked about for an escape route. _

_Harada: (outside) Home-cooked porridge, double-boiled too. Lucky devil…_

_Saitou tried to open the window opposite the door and squeeze through it out of the room. Tokio entered to catch him trying to escape. She doesn't see it's him. "Sir, where's Hajime?"_

_She looks about in puzzlement. Saitou freezes, half-in, half-out of the window. Okita is passing outside the window with Saizou his piggy. "Hi, Saitou-san! Good to see you're getting some fresh air."_

_Tokio hears Okita's words. "SAITOU HAJIME!" She hauls him back into the room. Okita sweat drops as he hears the sound of things being smashed inside the sick room and Tokio yelling. "Is my porridge that bad? I slog for five hours over a stove and this is the thanks I get?"_

_Saizou laughed in his piggy manner. Buhi buhi buhi…_

(End reel to more laughter from the audience.)

* * *

Kenshin: Well, I guess my theory of her being a Buddha does not hold anymore. 

_Thank you for sharing the charming details of your loving courtship. Let's take a little break, shall we? Some girls want to do a dance routine dedicated to a certain cool samurai…_

(Lights dim as Umeko and guests get off stage and then slowly light up as a pair of cheerleadering ninja gals takes the stage.)

"Who's the coolest?" Okon waves her pom-poms.

"HIKO!" Omasu replies as she waves her pompoms

"Hiko, Hiko, Hiko Seijirou the 13th!" Together they start skipping, waving pompoms and blowing kisses towards the bar where Hiko is seated. Hiko groans and tried to flee. Both girls leap on him.

"Hiko-sama, we want an answer! Who do you love more?"

"I'm NOT interested in marriage! I'd rather give up my sake and become a monk!" Hiko shakes them off and ran for it.

"HIKO-SAMA!"

* * *

**A/N:**

A little appearance by the shishou and his fangirls at the end. Saitou's real name is rumored to be Yamaguchi. He killed someone and changed his name when he joined the Shinsengumi. The man has severalnames throughout his life. Yamaguchi Hajime, Saitou Hajime, Yamaguchi Jiro and Fujita Goro. Yes, he's about as romantic as a doorpost about poor Tokio. Tokio is VERY persistant.

Is this starting to sound like Oprah Winfrey Show? Please, suggestions are welcome.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Since Saitou-Tokio romance is so well-received, we have them back after that break.

**Swirly:** I promise a full chappie on Hiko and his student next time. We really need to do something bout the Hiko-sama fan club.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 9: Lady Wolf**

_Welcome back after that break. Too bad my friend Hiko-san has some urgent business to attend to. Some gals just don't know when to call it a day. Can't blame them really, right? It's rare that we see bachelors of that calibre… Tokio-san, when you finally got your Hajime-kun, I understand that things weren't all smooth sailing._

Tokio: "That's right, Umeko-san. I mean, after that incident at the community hall where I was left standing at the altar, I almost gave up! I mean, my no-good brother's blown the funds for the wedding on his trips to the red-light district. I got the remainder of the funds from him at naginata point. The he starts harassing poor Souji-chan. Poor Souji, I mean, with his looks… Well, I did declare to everyone present that I was ditching Hajime."

_I understand that your father was informed of your delicate condition resulting from your little fling behind a temple library. His men had Hajime informed and your wedding took place at your family home to avoid scandal. _

Saitou: "I was shocked! She never told me she was expecting! I would never have left with Itou and gang if I knew!"

Tokio: "Hajime, I only found out after I declared I was ditching you. Being a single mother was definitely preferable to loss of face by retracting my declaration. Thank goodness my father interfered. Who informed him anyway? Was it you, Umeko-san?"

_No, I replied his letter a little late… Mm, I wonder. Okita-san? Was it you?_

Saitou: "Yes, it was Okita. I found this letter in your pa's room…" He takes out a letter.

(Reads) _Dear distant uncle, your son has got himself in deep (bleep). He's been splurging Cousin Tokio's wedding funds in the Shimabara Boys' Teahouse. In addition, he's been sexually harassing me! Cousin Tokio has been feeling poorly… The man responsible for her condition can be found at the Soba Place. Ask for Fujita Goro. Do hurry or my patience with your son will run out. Okita. _

At the Shinsengumi table, Hijikata grabs Okita by the collar. "Okita! Why didn't you tell me that S.O.B.'s been harassing you! I should have guessed when I walked in on him trying to pin you to the dojo wall! And that incident where he was trying to get in your futon, that incident in the bath…"

"Mou, Toshi, if I told you, he'll be dead meat."

Kondo raised an eyebrow as he looked at the duo. "Toshi, everyone knew! But we're talking about our patron's son…" Hijikata face-faults as he lets go of Okita.

"If you feel an urge to beat the daylights outta that hentai, join the queue…" Kondo added as he indicated a dark corner of the shack where Okita's men are beating up his cousin.

Back on stage.

_Even after your marriage, work often meant you rarely spent time together…

* * *

_

(Flashback. Saitou's matrimonial home. Saitou has left the Shinsengumi with Itou and Co. Actually, he is on orders to spy on the group.)

_Saitou is leaving. "Tokio, I'll be out tonight. Don't cook dinner for me, don't wait up for me."_

"_Is it that guy again?"_

"_Itou-san? Of course, who else can it be? Er, maybe I wouldn't be home for a week…"_

_After seeing her husband off with a sunny smile, Tokio goes to the back yard where she takes out a straw doll. She pins it to a tree and starts driving nails into it. _

"_DIE! ITOU! DIE! Why must you take my darling Wolfie away with your stupid meetings?" When the doll disintegrated, she replaced it with another one from a huge basket of them and continues cursing heartily. _

(End Flashback)

* * *

Itou: (from the bar) "No wonder I was jinxed! Hey, missus, you got the wrong man! Saitou was working for that Demon Hijikata!" He turns to the person next to him. "Miss, maybe we can get to know each other better?" That person is Kamatori. 

"Sure… another free drink please?" He flirts shamelessly with Itou as Yumi pulls a face. Wait till he finds out…

Saitou: "My little she-wolf mellowed a bit by Meiji era."

_What happened in that incident after your little outing with Itou and Co?_

The couple face-faults.

* * *

(Flashback. Saitou house. Tokio is waiting for her hubby at the entrance of their humble abode. Saitou comes along drunk. He's been drinking with Itou and Co.) 

_Saitou: "Sakura… sakura… (singing off-key) Midori-chan, I need a massage… (He's so drunk, he thinks he is still with the guys at the teahouse) Another jar! Yo, Hana-chan, you have the pretty eyes… hic…No, I can't stay the night… my little she-wolf will start howling…"_

_Tokio hears everything he's been spouting in his drunken state. "Hajime!" She grabs her naginata and charges him. Saitou reacted by drawing his katana. She knocks it out of his hands. He reacts by using a judo move on her. She lands a little too heavily for her condition._

_CRASH! "Hajime… my tummy hurts…" Tokio groans. Hajime is now fully sobered by his wife's words. "TOKIO! How? What?" He lifts her bridal-style and runs for the nearest clinic._

(End flashback)

* * *

Tokio is sniffling a bit. Saitou has his hand on her shoulder. "I'm very sorry about that, sweetheart…" He kissed her forehead. Their two little boys crowd around to reassure mommy. Tokio shakes her head. "I'm alright now. That was when I learnt Hajime really cared for me. I lost the child, but…"

* * *

(Flashback. Kyoto clinic. Tokio is in premature labour. Saitou is pacing about outside, listening to his wife's screams of pain. Finally, he barges into the operating room.) 

"_How is she?"_

"_Sir! You can't come in here, please!"_

"_I want to be with my wife!" To prove his words, Saitou takes Tokio's hand in his. _

"_Okay, just don't faint or get in my way." The midwife clucks and resumes her work. _

(Flashback end)

* * *

Tokio: "He was with me the whole night and the next day, even if he had passed out from the sake a few moments after that scene… I really can't imagine life without my dear Wolfie." She kisses Saitou back. The couple starts kissing passionately, think tongue hockey and lip nibbling. The temperature in the shack rises a bit. A murmur of envy, disapproval and embarrassment runs through the audience. 

_Er, we're still live here… Hello? Never mind… Nami, lower the lights please…_

Saitou breaks away from the kiss. "No need for that, Umeko-san."

Tokio giggles like a schoolgirl. She hands her younger son to Umeko. "Umeko-san, do you mind watching the boys for a night?" Without waiting for a reply, Tokio rushes to the exit. "Hajime-kun, race you to the Kyoto Tower bamboo forest!" Still giggling, she trots off with her husband in pursuit. Umeko waves after them in panic. The older boy is tugging on her kimono and the younger one starts howling.

_Hey! Your boys… Er, Kenshin? You in the house?_

Kenshin waved from his table.

_Good, take them. I think the younger boy needs a diaper change. _Umeko walked over to hand the baby and his older sibling over to the redhead.

"Oro? Seesha baby-sit Saitou-san's boys?" Kenshin sweat-drops. He instinctively takes the baby for a diaper-change.

"Kenshin, if anything happens to them, Saitou will kill you, you know," Kaoru stared as her Kenji and Tsumoto, Saitou's eldest, start a little game of janken. The boys were soon playing as if they've known each other all their young lives.

"Nah, Saitou wouldn't have a chance to. My cousin Tokio will kill you first," Okita corrected as he stopped by their table with candies for the children. "Aw, they remind me of how we were back then."

Kenshin sweat-drops.

* * *

**A/N:**

Itou's taken from PMK manga. Itou was the Shinsengumi's military advisor until he led a breakaway from the group. Saitou left with Itou. However, he was still loyal to the Shinsengumi. Saitou was actually on orders to spy on Itou by Hijikata. They portrayedItou as very gay-ish in PMK. Kenshin baby-sitting Saitou's sons? Yes, senbi's wicked.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**Sailor-Earth13:** Yes the Saitou/Fujita and the Kamiya households have a lot in common. Dad's a dreaded hitokiri/ Shinsengumi captain from the Bakumatsu. Mom wields a mean bokken/naginata and the kids… well…

**M.Kasshoku**: Kenshin should open a crèche. If Okita weren't already dead, they could have a partnership. Just don't let Kaoru cook. I will insert more insights into the Fujita couple dynamics. They are an interesting pair.

**YamiChikara:** Yes, Tokio has girl power. She must have to get Saitou.

**Lolo:** The couple's a pair of lovebirds, no?

**Swirly:** I look forward to your version of the Okita-Kenshin friendship thingy. And about Hijikata-san… Well, about the time of Okita's harassment, he was rather preoccupied with a power struggle in the group involving one military advisor out to pull the rug from under him. I may come up with a side story...

This chappie's for Hiko fans. For all teachers, 10 yo for puttin' up with our atrocious grammar and worse language. And 4 givin that nodding off incidents in the classroom with the snoring from sleepless nights.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 10: My Shishou**

In their room at Aoiya, Okon and Omasu are plotting to jump Hiko, yet again. "Okon-san, I think he loves me…" (_Insert shojo-type squeals)_

"Nonsense, you know he loves me more…" That was as far as Omasu got before both girls crashed to the ground in a deep slumber as two darts met their marks. The masked duo of Hotaru and Nami emerge from the laundry closet. Hotaru stops to retrieve their darts. Now they need not worry about those two interrupting tonight's show. Both kunoichis silently exited the inn unnoticed.

At the Kyoto Sake Shack, Umeko is inviting her guest on stage.

_Welcome everyone and a good night to all! Tonight we have a master swordsman, one even more skilled than Ken-chan… His shishou! _(Resounding round of applause as Hiko steps onto the stage with his white cape billowing about him. He sits in his chair a little uncomfortably, not being used to sitting on a Western type chair.

_Kenshin? Why don't you get up here as well?_ Kenshin blushes as he obeys, handing his son over to his wife. He's thankful his little stint babysitting the Fujita/ Saitou kids went well.

_We understand that you and your student were close, living alone on a mountain away from the troubles of the mundane world. However, some rumours have it that you abused your disciple physically, mentally…_

"That is a lie!" Hiko roared. "I never hurt my baka deshi!"

Nami wordlessly presses the on button on the projector.

* * *

(Flashbacks of Kenshin's training under his shishou.)

"_BAKA-DESHI! You hold your sword properly!" WHACK! Hiko slapped 10-year-old Kenshin on the head. The boy gritted his teeth and continued swinging his bamboo sword. _

"_Do it a thousand times!"_

"_HAI!"_

(End flashback)

* * *

"That is just part of any kendo instruction!"

_Oh yes, you knocked him unconscious as part of his training about fifty times. And it included a couple of broken bones, near-drowning in the waterfall… Does it include the laundry? And this next clip…

* * *

_

(Flashback. One winter night. In that tiny hut of Hiko's)

_Hiko and Kenshin are sleeping, sharing one miserable falling-to-pieces blanket because they're that penniless. Amazingly, Hiko never seems to be short on the sake money. Hiko is soundly smoring. He turns over, pulling the blanket from the little boy._

"_Nghh…" Kenshin shivers as the cold hit him. He gropes for the blanket. He tries pulling at it. His shishou, still sleeping, kicks him off the raised platform they were sleeping on and out the front door into a snowdrift. The man wakes up to see a shivering Kenshin buried headfirst in the snow._

"_Baka deshi! What are you doing playing in the snow in your PJs?"_

(End flashback)

* * *

"Umeko-dono, that incident was an accident. I never got too badly hurt."

_Kenshin, you did leave him before finishing your training…

* * *

_

(Flashback. Kenshin is fourteen now.)

_Kenshin is arguing passionately with his shishou over his decision to join the revolution. "No! The answer is still no! You are NOT going to join any dumb revolution unless you can defeat me!" Hiko concluded and turns his back on his deshi. Big mistake. _

_WHACK! Kenshin bonks him on the head with his bamboo sword. For a couple of minutes, Hiko sees stars._

(End flashback to pleas of laughter from the audience)

* * *

Kenshin sneaks a smile. The blow was really enjoyable. Think payback for years of suffering under his shishou's often harsh teaching methods. Of course, his shishou had booted him off the mountain after that so he had no choice but to join the Ishinshishi or some other group for food and board.

_Hiko, there were some rather (cough) disturbing rumours about you having a fondness for under-aged redheads… _

Kenshin flushes red. Hiko blinks and goes "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

_I mean an older man and a young, comely boy alone together… tongues will be wagging…_

Hiko stares at a straight-faced Umeko and then turns to face Kenshin. _Those freaky fanfic authoresses… senbi! Don't you dare!_ "Baka deshi! It's all your fault for acting and looking like a girl! I knew you should have chosen that black gi instead of the pink!"

"Gomen-nasai, shishou… But we did have some fun times together…"

"Kenshin, don't you dare tell!"

* * *

(Flashback start. Shishou and young deshi are sitting at the threshold of their wooden shack, admiring the moon.)

"_Shishou, look! A cricket!" The young boy's eyes glowed as he spotted the little insect. He scampers after it like a child would, trips on a stone and twists his ankle. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, he limps back to where his shishou is drinking sake. He pretends to be unhurt, but Hiko's sharp eyes had picked up the slight limp the boy had. _

"_Hurt yourself? Let me take a look." Hiko motions for Kenshin to sit next to him and show him the ankle. The master feels the injured ankle carefully like a concerned parent. He slowly massaged it to ease the swelling. "Better?"_

_Kenshin nods in reply. Then his eyes glowed again as he spots a cricket next to them. Hiko sees the boy's reaction and tries to catch the insect, only to miss it. Not one to be deterred, he tries again. The 13th master of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu is hopping after a cricket like a large frog, much to his disciple's amusement. _

(End reel to laughter from the audience)

* * *

Hiko groans. "I must have been moon-struck to do that…"

_How touching. Am I right in saying you felt like a father felt towards his child?_

"Hai. You caught me, Umeko-san."

_I can understand your feelings. I have no children of my own but I feel as if I have a daughter or son in every young person working at my Umeya back then. I believe Kenshin has something he wants to say to you._

"I'll listen so long as it isn't too sappy…" _If he declares his love or something, I'm gonna migrate to China._

Kenshin bows formally before his shishou. "Arigato for everything you have taught me… er, can I hug you?"

"NO! You baka deshi!"

_A resounding round of applause for Master Hiko and his baka deshi! After our break, we will have a special guest. It took quite a while to talk him into coming for our show. Between me and you, he's an idiot… For now, let's have a student say something touching to his sensei. Come on up, Yahiko!_

Yahiko takes the mike from Umeko, clears his throat and reads.

"To my most respected sensei, Kamiya-san. You are the most patient kendo instructor I know. I acknowledge that I am a brat at times. I apologize for calling you a hag. To show my sincerity, I give you this present."

Kamiya Kaoru blinks in a mix of surprise and shock as Yahiko presents her with a present. Still speechless, she rips off the paper…

"Arigato for giving me this book… Is it the latest Harry Potter…" She sees the title of the book. "COOKING FOR DUMMIES? YAHIKO!"

Yahiko flees with his sensei chasing after him with a bokken. "My cooking isn't that bad!"

_Yahiko, you just had to blow it, didn't you?_ Kenshin sweat-dropped. Hiko chortles and then chokes as he recognizes the pair of kunoichi coming through the door. The sleeping drug has worn off. He quickly slips away to the safety of his mountain shack.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for the reviews so far. Who else from PMK or RK should Umeko grill next? Yoshida and Suzu?


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**Swirly: **Shura the pirate? I wonder where she has sailed off to. Maybe later…

**Yami Chikara: **Hiko is a stubborn one. Tough on the outside, soft inside. More about stern senseis in this chapter.

**Lolo popoki:** Kaoru needs cooking lessons.

**M.Kasshoku:** Yep, poor Kenshin.

**Maeko-Nohara: **Glad my portrayal of Hiko's life with Kenshin was well-received.

The following chapter's gonna be very PMK-centric, namely Suzu-centric. Will include bedroom comedy. However, by the end of this, Tomoe will have another patient. This is at least a PG-13.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 11: Suzu's Sensei**

_Welcome back. _

In the audience, Suzu is staring daggers at Ichimura Tetsunosuke. Sure, his ex-best friend's happily married with a little boy… And he's a psychotic, embittered, and after that minor incident with that bitch and her hairpin, broken man. He was filthy rich, but that's nothing if your life-goal's making Tetsu miserable. Everything started because that idiot pup killed his beloved master.

At the Ichimura table. Saya turns to her husband. _He's staring at you again._ "I know." _Why don't you explain you were only doing your job? Besides, you didn't kill that person. Okita-san did. _"Let it go, Saya. That freak wouldn't be forgiving me after all this while…"

_Suzu? Can you get up here?_

"Sorry, Umeko-san. I'm stuck in my wheelchair for life after some bitch tried to murder me," Suzu snickered. "Well, you deserved it for insulting my Saya and my son!" Tetsu snapped in reply. "Break it up!" Saya finally yells and restrains her husband. On stage, someone is stepping into the spotlight…

"Sensei?" Suzu blinked in surprise. Then he slowly gets up from his wheelchair and walks towards the man respected the most…

Suzu finally smiled from his heart for once in a very long time and broke into a run up the stage. "Sensei!" He tries to hug Yoshida. Yoshida side steps him Hiko-style and Suzu falls off the other edge of the stage with a crash.

Yoshida turns to Umeko. "I told you, woman, that I wouldn't like this…"

"Sensei?" A confused Suzu crawled back onto the stage. Maybe his Master Yoshida was just uncomfortable being hugged in public. Still, it hurt.

_Introducing Master Yoshida. Yoshida, you took Kitamura Suzu under your wing as your page after his elder brother was killed in the line of duty…_

"And I regretted it! That boy's nothing like his brother. He is too clingy. I remember those sleepless nights we had. I am a light sleeper…"

_Yes, I have heard something to that end.

* * *

_

(Flashback. Inn room. Suzu and Yoshida are turning in for the night.)

"_Oyasuminasai, sensei," Suzu puts out the lamp as his sensei replies with a grunt. Suzu blinks as he sees a black shadow flitting past the window. He lets out a squeak of fright and scampers into his sensei's futon. _

"_Suzu? What are you doing?" Yoshida murmurs as he feels his page curled up next to him under the blanket. _

"_Nothing, sensei..." _

"_Then get out of my futon!" He tries to kick Suzu out. Suzu lets out a shriek of alarm and grips onto the man. _

"_Please, sensei! I admit it! I'm scared… there are demons outside the window." Yoshida laughs at the boy's words. "You better get used to the demons, boy. You'll be seeing more here in Kyoto. Now get back to your own futon!"_

(End flashback)

* * *

"And this sorry little scaredy-cat will do it again at least four times before sunrise!" Yoshida made a sound of disgust. "Thank goodness he got used to the ninjas eventually."

"Sensei! You promised not to tell!" Suzu whines.

"Did I? And you promised not to let my sleep get disturbed, but…"

* * *

(Flashback. Inn room again. This time, both occupants are out. Two inn waitresses aka kunoichi are tidying the room. They are putting nails and pointy objects into a futon.)

_Kunoichi 1: "That Kitamura brat's been rude to me again. He thinks he's so big b'cos of his sensei! I say he's nothing but a stray cat Master Yoshida picked up!"_

_Kunoichi 2: "Are you sure this futon's the brat's?"_

_Kunoichi 1: "Dunno, pass me the other futon…"_

_That night, both Yoshida and Suzu leapt from their futons in pain after finding the little 'gifts' room service left behind._

(End flashback)

* * *

Laughter all round the shack. Hijikata was chuckling. "And I thought Tetsu was the worst page ever!"

Yoshida raised an eyebrow at Hijikata's remark. "I always knew that redhead kid you were playing cards with in the teahouse was a bad influence on you, Kitamura. You should have killed him when I ordered you to. But you chickened out! Then you stopped me from killing the little whelp. I'm very disappointed in you. You denied me a proper funeral by making off with my head! After my death, did you live your life as an honourable man? No, you were busy whoring yourself out like the sorry little slut you are!"

Suzu is flabbergasted and deeply hurt by his sensei's remarks. Umeko steps in with a good word for Suzu.

_Look here, Yoshida. The boy was really badly affected by your demise; do go easy on him…Nami, next clip please, that one about Suzu going to the grief-management session as I advised him in my column. I wonder why he never showed…

* * *

_

(Kyoto. Suzu is very hungry, very tired and very distraught. He is trudging along a Kyoto street holding his master's rotting head, wrapped up in his scarf in his arms. He stops in front of that infamous Black Cat Mansion)

_Suzu: "Was the house on the right or left? Maybe I should go for that grief-management thingy…"_

_He collapsed from sheer exhaustion. The perverted owner of the mansion returned from an outing and spotted the unconscious boy. "Is that boy dead?"_

"_No, sir!" A servant cautiously poked at Suzu with a foot and elicited a small moan._

"_He has an unusual beauty… Men, lock him up in the wood shed, I may want to be better acquainted with him…"The old man licked his lips in a very disturbing manner as he ogled the boy._

_The servants pick Suzu up, bundle and all, and entered the mansion grounds. As the gate closed, we see Women's Association of Japan chairwoman, Umeko-san, escorted by Nami, hurrying to the grief-management meeting in the house next door. _

"_Umeko-dono, think that page will show? I mean, some boys may be awkward at an all-female session."_

"_Dunno, Nami…"_

(End reel)

* * *

Someone roared from a corner of the shack. "You ingrate! I saved you from certain death, fed you, clothe you, loved you like my very own son and how did you repay my kindness? You murdered me in cold blood!" It was the former owner of Black Cat Mansion.

Suzu manages a snicker. "You loved me alright, you old perv! The same way you loved those other kids… Do you know the local orphanage had you on their list of persons not to entrust with children even if the world ends?"

Umeko makes a disapproving cluck. Nami obeys and asks Emiko, Kyoto medium, to send that paedophile spirit off with a dash of holy water. _Good riddance!_

Suzu kneeled before his sensei. "Sensei, please…" He is begging with all his heart for the man to even look at him. Yoshida has not even bothered to look at him.

"Sensei!" Suzu tried again, more insistent this time. For a moment, his heart lifted as Yoshida paused.

"Remember that little talk we had in the Kyoto Tower about bushido? You had promise then, but not now! If some sorry Miburou whelp can contribute to society teaching kendo and preserving our national heritage even through some two-bit memorial hall, what have you been doing all these years? You are no student of mine!"

With that, Yoshida strode out of the shack. Poor Suzu is in tears by now. His heart was totally broken by those harsh words.

"Suzu?" Ichimura Tetsunosuke reaches out tentatively to pat the shoulder of his one-time friend. When he did not get bitten, stabbed or anything, he puts his arm round Suzu's shoulders, forcing him to his feet.

"Excuse me, Umeko-dono. I think Suzu's got enough for tonight." He steered Suzu towards Tomoe's counselling service. Halfway there, he suddenly shoves Suzu down the cellar stairs. "That's for killing Ryouma-san and getting his men after my life for years before they got tired of trying to kill me! And for San-nan and Akesato, bullying my Saya…" Everyone sweat drops.

* * *

**A/N:**

The Suzu bedroom scenes are taken from various letters to Umeko's Kitchen and personal ads in the New Kyoto Post. Umeko was once chairwoman of the Women's Association, and she made an exception for Suzu at their grief management session, but he didn't show up. Tetsu's a real pal, ain't he? The loud brat has matured, NOT. Suzu did get him into loads of trouble over Ryouma's assassination in the manga.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Side note: Originally, Ryouma's pet-name for Umeko was to be Cinnamon Plum. The kanji for Katsura means cinnamon. But it sounded real weird, so I changed it to Sugar Plum. The Japanese word for sugar is sato, sounds like Saitou right? Weird, eh?

This chapter's for all Umeko-haters. Umeko trod on lots of toes from her days as the chairwoman of the WAJ. Think how she nearly ruined Saitou when he arrested her newspaper staff at Umeya.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 12: Down with Umeko**

Kyoto Sake Shack. Before the show. Someone is furtively painting some graffiti on the stage backdrop. Okina comes a-sneaking with his own pail of paint. He bumps into…

"Saitou? Er, I mean, Officer Fujita?" The old man blinked in surprise. Then he saw the words on the backdrop. UMEKO BITCH. "You too?" Saitou nodded before he darted back into the shadows as the lights came on. Nami and her girls came in to prepare for the show. They saw Okina with the paint pail and the freshly painted words.

"YOU!" With a furious snarl, the girls attacked. Okina fled for his life.

Saitou smirked as he wiped his hands and innocently went to join his family. A little payback to Umeko-dono for making his life difficult ten years ago with her special connections to the bakufu through the sisterhood of the Women's Association. Especially that little cuppa tea Tokio gave him behind the temple library. Coming in, Tokio raised a delicate eyebrow as she recognized the handwriting on the backdrop. She stomped painfully on her hubby's toes.

Umeko glided onto the stage as the audience filled up with the dearly departed and those still living. She is wearing a new Western-type gown. _Does this gown make me look fat? Oh my!_ She just spotted the words behind her.

_Me? Oh I'm so hurt. At least they should have spelled witch properly. The 3 Witches of Kyoto... Are the other two in the house? Fess up! We all know what they called us behind our backs…_

Kyoto morgue-keeper and back street physician Kitsu-dono and Kyoto medium Emiko raised their hands.

_Well, I'm the only dead witch. You only know a person's full worth when he's dead… Any comments from the floor?_ She studies the words with a slight smile. Her brother Kogoro raised his hand. "You were closer to Sakamoto than was socially acceptable! I mean, hanging out drinking sake, gambling…"

Sakamoto: "Kogoro! You misunderstood us. We were purely platonic friends. You were biased since that first meeting." He walked over to the projector and turned it on.

* * *

(Flashback. Kyoto. Sakamoto meets Umeko for the first time at Umeya. He just finished his meal.)

"_Katsura-dono, you are truly the best cook I have met in all my travels."_

"_Please, Sakamoto-san, call me Umeko."_

"_Umeko? All righty, Sugar Plum. I'm Ryouma, a NICE GUY!" Soon the pair are chatting like old friends. Meanwhile Kogoro is wondering why Sakamoto's taking so long with his lunch. He decides he better go look for the man. Back at Umeya…_

"_Say, if we Japanese bow when greeting each other, how do foreigners greet each other?" Umeko asked with her eyes glowing. Ryouma smiles as he explains. He takes her hand and demonstrates._

"_This is a handshake. They use it in the America and Europe for greeting. For a man greeting a lovely lady…" He takes Umeko's hand in his and plants a light, chaste kiss on it, in front of a horrified Kogoro._

(End flashback)

* * *

"You kissed my neesan!"

"Come'n! It was just a little peck on the hand!" Ryouma guffawed and slapped Kogoro on the back. "You didn't need to run me outta town…"

"How did you explain the nights at the shack?"

(Reel of Umeko and Ryouma placing their bets at the Sake Shack Night matches, the pair drinking sake and playing janken, laughing and joking like old friends. Maybe Umeko's behaving in a manner unbecoming of a proper Japanese lady…)

_Baby brother, it wasn't that bad. I'm entitled to a bit of time out in between Umeya and your business. If you can hang out with your girlfriend, I don't see why I can't hang out with my platonic pal… _

Takasugi gets up from his seat and puts his own reel on the projector. "Come on, Kogoro, your sister is spirited."

* * *

(Kyoto Sakura Inn Tearoom. Takasugi-sensei is teaching his beginner shamisen class when Umeko bursts into the room with her naginata.)

_Umeko: "Sumimasen! I'm late for the training… Oops! Isn't this the Choushu Women's Brigade training?"_

_Takasugi: "Ma'am, that women's army is the Aizu Women's Brigade… This is a shamisen class for beginners. Cough!"_

_Umeko: "Isn't that a crying shame! Can I join in the training for the guys, Takasugi-san? I've trained in the naginata since I was twelve."_

_Takasugi: "Well, I don't see why not… I can tell you the place later…koff, koff!" _

_Umeko: "Well, since I'm here… How about letting me join your class?" She sits down and picks up a shamisen. Everyone cringes as Umeko gives the worst piece of shamisen playing in Tokugawa Japanese history._

(End reel)

* * *

Takasugi laughed. "And we all knew how she dished out her naginata on those unfortunate fools who tried to proposition her! And that rival establishment…"

Aoshi turned to Misao. "She was the mysterious veiled shamisen player who came to play at our Aoiya one night, right?"

Misao nodded solemnly. "Hai, the one who scared off all our customers for two months. After Ji-ya tried to talk merger with her via the Post."

"Merger? That letter sounds more like an indecent proposal…" Katsura retorted.

_I had a busy life, running the restaurant, managing the WAJ as chairwoman, patching up my baby brother's men after they get into fights, later helping to run a tabloid… risking arrest by an over-zealous wolf pack…

* * *

_

(Flashback. Umeya kitchen. Umeko is busy beating eggs for soup, overseeing the WAJ charity blanket sewing drive and directing the newspaper staff, mostly women and children, at the press, when…)

"_We are the Shinsengumi!" Saitou led his men as they charged into the back room. Women screamed and children were crying. Some kids quickly threw a cloth over the printing press. Unfortunately, Harada speared the press all the same, narrowly missing a little boy._

"_Bring them all back for questioning!" Saitou ordered as the men rounded up everyone present. A woman was visibly outraged as she is pulled away from the blanket-sewing table. "I demand to know what's going on! Unhand me! How dare you treat a niece of the Emperor with disrespect?" She hissed and tried to kick Saitou in the shin. _

"_Right, and I'm the Goddess of Mercy… Take them all back for questioning!" Saitou replied. "Katsura Umeko, are you the owner of this building?" He turned on the nonchalant Umeko, who was still merrily beating eggs. _

"_So what if I am, coward? Fancy grown men like you picking on little kiddies…" Umeko stared down Saitou as he took up a Gatotsu stance. When…_

"_Saitou Hajime!" Takagi Tokio stepped into the room. Saitou went pale and…_

"_Fall back, men! Harada-san! You take the prisoners to the lockup!" Saitou fled through the back door. His men followed suit. Harada gave a stunned look at everyone present. He decided he'd take those they've already arrested. Umeko is overlooked as she continued pottering about the kitchen. When the Miburou have all left, Umeko spoke to Tokio. _

"_Takagi-san, I do believe they've just arrested Princess Kiroro of the royal family, your distant cousin, Lady Reiko and her young son, and Lord Miyagi's wife and daughters…" Umeko went on to list the names of members of important families. Takagi sweat-drops mightily. _

(End flashback)

* * *

"That was a disaster…" The late Shinsengumi leaders groaned in unison.

"And you guys thought me having a cannon fired into that Choushu-supporting kimono store was a disaster? Enough to have me and my family killed?" Serizawa Kamo, one-time Shinsengumi chief, looked at his assassins with a raised eyebrow.

Saitou had his head bent low and hands over his face. "Kio, I need my cigarettes…" She handed him one packet. He quickly lights up.

"I warned you not to over-do that, Saitou-san," Okita smiled weakly.

_Maybe we will dedicate a whole night to our boys in blue and white next time… to show the very human side of the wolves through their blunders. Now for a break…

* * *

_

**A/N**:

Serizawa Kamo was the Shinsengumi chief Kondo, Hijikata, Okita and Yamanami assassinated in PMK about a year before the Ikeda-ya incident. The one San-nan feels major guilty about. Historically, they were ordered to remove him because of charges of corruption, bribery and extortion. One account has him ordering a cannon shot into a store because they didn't pay protection money.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

**M.Kasshoku:** The main bulk of the Shinsengumi blunders will be revealed in coming chapters. However, who says Umeko will not totally humiliate certain pack members in this chapter?

**Sailor-Earth13:** Glad you liked it! Some of the Shinsengumi focus is based on PMK characters.

**Lolo:** Yes, Saitou and the others of the Shinsengumi got well-chewed up by the bakufu for their blunder. They had to place a public apology in every newspaper in Japan, including the4 Choushu-run _New Kyoto Post_.

To Swirly. Shura finally makes a cameo… And sadly, Tatsu is still a loser like Jon Arbuckle of Garfield.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 13: Love's in the Air**

Umeko was acting as mediator between a certain former pirate leader and a former Shinsengumi book keeper.

Shura glared at Ichimura Tatsunosuke. "They told me at the _Totally Desperate Cheapskate_ matchmaker that he is a bachelor with a past in the Shinsengumi. I was expecting a samurai-type not a wimp!"

Tatsu retorted. "I was prepared to accept a former teahouse waitress when they told me she had a past with loads of men… but not a bloodthirsty pirate!"

Shura went red with fury. "Loads of men? You think I'm a whore? I'll show you how bloodthirsty I can be!"

Umeko tried to restrain Shura as Tatsu fled for his life. "Hey! Where're the peacekeepers of Kyoto? I need help here!"

As if answer to her prayers, a uniformed Okita showed up. "Calm down now… Miss, I'm sure you can find a much better man than him… Try this match-making agency… They worked for Toshi. Unfortunately, he didn't live long enough for his wedding… And they found Haruko-san another compatible bridegroom barely two weeks after he got killed…" He handed Shura a card. She went off to try her luck. Umeko thanked him for his assistance and switched on the mike.

_Love is weird. No rhyme or reason to it. For the next part of our show, we will be showing the amazing power of love in those troubling times. I believe you folks have seen the touching love between Saitou and Tokio… Now we turn our focus elsewhere. Once upon the Bakumatsu, a teen assassin wrote to me for advice about a certain lady. This lady had lost her first love but found her second in the lad…_

Nami runs the reel.

* * *

(Flashback. Ikeda-ya incident. )

_Kenshin and Tomoe are running towards the inn. Kenshin reaches out for Tomoe's hand as they run along. They suddenly stop as Battousai senses Saitou and a pack of Miburou nearby, in the Ikeda-ya Inn. The massacre is all but over. Confused, Battousai is torn between taking Tomoe to safety and rushing in to save Katsura-san. Frightened, Tomoe puts her hand over his as he nearly draws his sword. She shakes her head._

_For a brief moment their eyes meet. Kenshin's cheeks turn a flaming red as he turns from hitokiri to awkward teen. Kondo's voice rings out: "Dammit! The rebel Katsura is not here!" _

_Tomoe and Kenshin flee just seconds before Saitou-san steps out of the inn. Darting into an alleyway, they skim past Patrols 1, 2 and 8 unnoticed by the men in the aftermath of the raid. _

(End flashback.)

* * *

_Then comes marriage followed by a honeymoon in a lovely village outside Kyoto city limits. _

"Didn't he kill her later?" Okita reminded.

"It was an accident, okay?" Kaoru leapt to her hubby's defence and bonked Okita with her bokken before Kenshin could stop her.

_Of course there were other couples. Like my baby bro meeting his wife-to-be in a certain teahouse… Bro, you used to torment me with lengthy poems about your turtle-dove's eyes. Your poetry is way too mushy; I consider it a miracle she could read it without being sick. And you tended to forget the time with her! _

Kogoro blushed bright red like a boiled octopus.

_And we must not forget puppy-love blossoming…_

(Flashback. A shrine in Kyoto. Tetsu and Saya praying. Saya's girl-pal, Hana, announcing she's gonna marry Toudou Heisuke and teasing Saya over Tetsu. Tetsu and Saya playing beanbags in a teahouse. A much older Tetsu and Saya by the mill pool. Tetsu gives Saya a hairpin.)

Tetsu turned to Saya with a broad grin. "I knew that hairpin will come in useful one day…" Saya patted her hair with the pin sticking out of it. They had just persuaded the police to return it. It was confiscated as a deadly weapon after that street brawl with Suzu.

_How did he finally propose to you?_ Saya puts in a reel.

* * *

((Post-Toba Fushimi, post-Bakumatsu. Saya is at the semi-demolished teahouse in Kyoto because she has nowhere else to go. She is hanging out the laundry when Tetsu comes running along with Sakamoto's men, on horseback, still after his life. He runs past the teahouse, panting out his proposal to Saya.))

"_SAYA -gasp! Will you, ack!" He dodges a bullet and skids round the teahouse again. "Can't you see I'm trying to propose here?" He yells at his pursuers._

_He comes round again. "Marry me, please! I love you!" He suddenly turns on the nearest pursuer, knocking him out of the saddle. From atop the horse, he reaches for Saya. Saya nods and grabs his hand, letting him pull her into the saddle in front of him. She tosses the sheet she was hanging at the rest of Tetsu's pursuers._

_In the confusion, Tetsu and Saya gallop off into the sunset and a whole new life together…_

((End reel to cheers and applause from the audience))

* * *

"Iron boy, I couldn't have done that better myself!" Sakamoto slapped Tetsu across the back.

"Tetsu-kun, that was so romantic and heroic…" Akesato mused. "Not to mention near-suicidal!" Turning to Yamanami, she adds, "Told you Saya will find her happiness. She's one strong girl."

"San-nan, if you don't mind me saying… how could you miss Sara at the crossroads? Never mind, if you hadn't died then, I wouldn't have met Sara." Sakamoto summed up.

_Yes, yes. Poor San-nan, his gal stood him up and he committed ritual suicide… whatever!_ _There are other ways to totally mess up your love life. I have a request here from a Tsubame to a Yahiko. _

(Reads)_ Yahiko-kun, arigato for the candy and the roses. I know they set you back a fair bit. Next time, just drop by at my place for lunch or dinner. Love Tsubame. P.S. I just found out I'm allergic to both chocolates and roses. I will be in hospital for a month. Can you help Tae-san at Akebeko, please? Thanks. _

Yahiko's jaw dropped. "Good grief! And I thought Yutaro was making the moves on her."

Kenshin looked at Yahiko. "Yahiko, is that why Yutaro was attacked by a masked assailant on his way here?"

"YAHIKO, you AHOU!" A bruised Yutaro took his bokken and attacked Yahiko. Schoolboy fight was underway with the Shack audience cheering for either boy.

_That's all for tonight folks! Join us next time for a full night on our local wolf pack!_

* * *

**A/N:**

Next time, it's all blue and white, and red? Break out the bandages!


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

I'm kinda dead in the water recently. Not so much on Battousai this time. A few pokes at the wolves.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 14: Of Wolves on Patrol**

Umeko was wearing her standard pink Umeya kimono.

_Welcome ladies and gentlemen, living or otherwise. Tonight is dedicated to the guys from Mibu! A round of applause! _(She gives Okita a very chummy hug and drags him on stage.) _While you were keeping the peace, you had to deal with all sorts of cases from arson-inclined dissidents to stray panthers…_

Yamanami joined them on the stage. "Umeko-san, it was our duty… we couldn't have done it without the support of the citizens of Kyoto."

_(Flashback reels of angry Choushu war widows flinging rotten eggs, sandals, stones etc. at the Shinsengumi HQ. The women then adjourned to shrine woods where they heartily cursed select members of the group by nailing straw dummies to the trees._)

Nami: "Oops! Wrong reel…"

_Never mind that, Nami. On to the panther incident… There was a time when Kyoto streets were stalked by an animal known as a panther. Only the very brave or totally desperate will be caught out on the streets at night…

* * *

_

(Flashback. Night time Kyoto. A Shinsengumi patrol is on routine patrol duties.)

_Random taishi whispers: "The reason I'm here is because neglect of duties mean seppuku."_

_The group halts as they hear an ominous growl from the shadows of an alley… The panther attacks and the group flee for safety._

(Shinsengumi HQ. The Comedian Trio are discussing anti-panther measures. Their master plan happens to include cannon. In Hijikata's room, Okita is drinking his medicine under Toshi's supervision.)

_Suddenly the guards start yelling. "Panther attack!" The trio reacts by rolling out the big cannon and firing it at the beast. _

"_On the roof!" The trio aims the cannon and fires… missing the beast but taking a chunk out of Hijikata's room. They rush to the scene to find a bleeding Hijikata out cold on top on a semi-conscious Okita. Their clothes were blown off by the blast. _

"_Er, are we disturbing anything?"_

(End flashback reel)

* * *

Hijikata glared at the Trio. "Didn't I order you ahous to commit seppuku for attempted murder?" Okita restrained him. "Mou, it was just an accident. Besides, we were that badly hurt…" 

"Excuse me, Souji… I got most of the blast. The doctor took hours removing splinters from me!"

_Thankfully, the beast was eventually dispatched by a civic-minded trainee swordsman…_

(Flashback. Dark alleyway, Kyoto. Himura Kenshin, then known as Battousai is waiting for his contact when he is attacked by the panther. He does a battou-jutsu on it. End of the beast terror of Kyoto.)

Shimpachi: "Thank Buddha for that! Me and the guys were thinking of using Saizou as bait…"

"My Saizou, Bait?" Okita stood up suddenly with a really scary look on his face. He glared at the Trio. The Trio gulped and fled.

Suzu: "My poor Blackie… You bloodthirsty beasts killed my poor Blackie!" He sobs into Blackie's pelt which Himura had mailed back to Blackie's doting owner, Yamatoya Suzu, formerly known as Kitamura Suzu.

_Ah, the Trio never failed to turn the most mundane chores into a topic of concern. You were a misunderstood bunch…

* * *

_

(Flashback. Dr Matsumoto just presented a wild boar to the Trio. The delighted threesome are roasting the boar behind the temple library. Harada is dividing the meat.)

_Harada: This is for you, Shinpachi. This is for you, Hei-kun…_

_Shinpachi: (staring at his morsel.) "Hey, Sano! It's unfair! You always get the biggest share!"_

_Harada:" It's because I need the extra meat! Dr Matsumoto said so himself!"_

_Shinpachi: "Why you… (tackles Sano)"_

_(The Trio wind up rolling in the dirt in a wrestling match. Hyper gossipy Choushu-supporting old women come passing by…)_

_Old women: "Oh my!" _

(End flashback reel)

* * *

_By dinnertime, word was rife the three of you were caught engaging in really kinky stuff behind the library. _

Shinpachi: (to his wife on his return to his seat) "Honey, I told you I was innocent!"

The missus: "Not of those Shimabara visits!"

_Of course, that isn't to say you didn't improve the law and order of Kyoto. Who can forget your little rat-busting operation at a certain inn? Too bad you went a tad overboard. Kudos to Okita for ridding us of a certain rat by the name Yoshida-_

Yoshida: "Hey! You crazy woman! That's slander!"

_You were a fire-rat! If Kenshin were taking his orders from me then, I'd order him to have you exterminated. I simply didn't want to risk any of my girls. Burning Kyoto indeed! Hmph!_

Suzu: "Hang on… You mean Okita killed Sensei? More than ten years of plotting, and it's all against the wrong person? You mean I set up Yamanami's death, killed Sakamoto all for nothing! While the real murderer is dead from TB?"

Sakamoto's supporters suddenly grabbed Suzu and marched him out. Yoshida simply watched as his one-time page is frog-marched past him.Umeko trotted after them with a naginata. Sara wheeled out a wooden coffin she just got from a cheap auction.

Tetsu: "Should I go help? Yes!"

He grabbed a nearby spade and joined the procession to the Kyoto graveyard. Saya followed with a handful of nails with their son holding a lamp for light. Kenshin takes the mike.

_Hello? I'm Himura Kenshin, formerly known as Battousai. Look, I have turned over a new leaf, and I'd appreciate it if certain former Shinsengumi captains, deceased or otherwise, quit dropping at my place for a duel, ok? Harada-san, Kaoru wasn't too happy about you poking a hole in the dojo wall. I understand you want to flee for China due to certain bad debts and wish to settle any unfinished business in Japan first but this Bakumatsu duel thing is a bit overdone already. And to those dearly departed by my blade or otherwise, I promise to put fresh flowers on your grave later. Just quit harassing my family already. Especially you, Sou!_

Okita: "Nani?"

He looked up from where he was instructing Kenji and Tsumoto in kendo. Both boys are holding real katanas.

Okita: "Mou, your boy has so much promise! Why don't you let me and Saitou tutor him a whiles?"

Saitou chokes on his cigarette. _Tutor the Himura boy? Never!_ "Tsu-chan! Keep away from the brat!" Tsu-chan obeyed and trotted back to his father's side. Saitou took the katana carefully from his son. "Tsumoto, you're too young for a real sword."

Okita: "Saitou-san! You sound just like Hijikata-san! I got mine when I was…" he is cut off as Kaoru threw a bokken at him.

"How dare you give my little Kenji a sword!"

"Ta-nu-ki!" Okita stuck his tongue out childishly at a livid Kaoru.

Kenshin glared at Okita. "I think I'll make an exception this time… I see you've got your katana…" He dragged Okita out the back, taking his sakabatou as he passed his table…

The graveyard procession returned without Suzu. Umeko remarked: "Hey, I thought Himura took a vow not to kill? He looked real mean fighting with Souji outside in the alley."

Tetsu: "Technically, Okita-san's dead, so I guess he wouldn't be killing anyone, right?"

Almost everyone in the shack rushed out to see the duel of the century.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Peacemaker Kurogane or Rurouni Kenshin. They are the properties of their respective creators and the Shinsengumi and Ishin belong to history. This is an insanity fic not to be taken seriously.

Oh, I'll be busy from next week, so no more updates for a while after this.

* * *

**Sake Shack LIVE! 15: More Wolves**

After the break, the crowd returned to the shack. The duel didn't turn out quite as expected. Megumi and Kaoru were supporting a very weak Kenshin between them. "Ken-san! I told you NOT to use that Nine-headed Dragon Technique! You know your body…"

"Kenshin baka…" Kaoru clucked as she propped her husband up in chair so Megumi could take a look at him.

"Hi-ji-ka-ta-san! Look, I died in battle!" Okita chirped as he splashed himself with copious amounts of fake blood to mimic the aftermath of a Battousai encounter. As a ghost who died of illness, he does not have any bleeding wounds to show off. He tries to hug Seta Soujirou. "Son! I'm dying…"

"You are already dead!" Seta Soujirou marched out of the building.

"Okita, that's enough!" Hijikata groaned. "Must you always be so…"

_Hijikata, that's Okita for you. Remember this?_

* * *

(Flashback reel. Hijikata is taking a bath. Okita is holding Toshi's haiku book outside the bathroom window.)

_Okita reads out loud: "To know is worry, not to know is worry…" Hijikata splutters in rage. "OKITA! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT READING THOSE?"_

_Okita flees with childish glee as a nude Vice-Chief runs out of the bath after him. "GIVE IT BACK!" The duo ran through the compound and into the neighbouring Dr Takani's yard. Little Megumi is playing ball with her grandpa when a laughing Okita sprints through. He is followed by a buck-naked Hijikata. _

_Megumi: "Ojisan! Look, Yoshida-san has no clothes!" _

_Grandpa Takani has a fit. _

(End reel to peals of laughter.)

* * *

"Everyone mistook you for me? Oh heavens!" Yoshida marched out.

_Yes, for a group of peacekeepers, you chaps were a riot. I mean, the pay packets were so measly. It was no wonder some of you resorted to telling fortunes and signing up for the nightly matches here at the Sake Shack!_

* * *

(Flashback reel. Soba Place. Saitou is waiting for his customers. He has a big sign stating: "Fortunes for soba!" Kenshin comes in for lunch.)

_Kenshin: "Mister! One soba…" He spots Saitou and Saitou spots him. Saitou goes into Gatotsu stance. "AKU SOKU…" He gets booted in the jaw by Kenshin and all hell breaks loose in the restaurant. _

(Sake Shack. Nagakura and Harada are standing in a ring with their weapons of choice. Both are masked for obvious reasons.)

_Nagi, Shack owner: "Bets! Who will prevail? Red Shinpattsan or Sano the Spear? Place your bets now! The match will start shortly!_

_Heisuke: "Hey, those two look really familiar… I think the matches are a setup…" He is there with some other Miburou off-duty. "I place my bets on Sano the Spear!"_

_Sano whispers to Shinpachi: "Let's give Hei-kun a run for his money…"_

(End reel)

* * *

"YOU two were moonlighting?" Hijikata roared. Sano and Shinpachi tried to sneak off. "It ain't that bad. I used to do some REAL fighting myself in various taverns," Sagara Sanosuke snickered. "I heard you were real dandy with a spear in those days! You inspired me to choose this over the sword!" Sanosuke swung his zanbatou, accidentally knocking out a wall. "Oops…"

* * *

(Flashback reel. Omasu of Aoiya and Hotaru of Umeya are slugging things out ninja-style on the roofs of Kyoto. Hotaru has her arm in a sling. Tenth patrol comes along…)

_Harada looks and roars. "Halt in the name of the Shinsengumi!" He throws the spear and it nicks Omasu in the thigh, causing her to fall off the roof. "Oops…"_

_Hotaru looks at her fallen opponent. "Hey, Harada-san! Thanks!" _

(End reel.)

* * *

_Although the Shinsengumi had the strictest rules around, no one really followed them anyhow. Take this little marathon…_(Shinsengumi community day marathon. All the men are running when Yamanami breezes by.)

_Looky!_ Umeko froze the reel and pointed to the pair of abacus he is wearing on his feet. _A violation of patent law! Sakamoto patented those shoes the year before, right?_

"Sugar plum, I called mine roller-boots!" Sakamoto added. "They don't look that ugly."

"Hang on a minute! This was in 1864, you didn't get those boots made until after his death in 1865…" Sara pointed out. "Hey, if his death wasn't a seppuku…"

(Reel. Shinsengumi HQ. Yamanami's desertion trial. Kondo, Hijikata and Okita are the only ones present besides Yamanami… The audience watched as the truth behind Yamanami's death is revealed…)

A major uproar sounded at the Shinsengumi table as the reel unfolded. "Okita-san! You lied! That wasn't seppuku!" Tetsu yelled.

"How did you get your hands on this secret?" Hijikata roared. A riot was soon underway. This time, the shack collapsed…

"MY SHACK!" Nagi, the owner of the former Kyoto Sake Shack wailed.

_We will need a new venue for the show… Please apply to me at Katsura Umeko's grave, Choushu cemetery. Do bring flowers and incense._

* * *

Gensai Family clinic. Enishi and Suzu are having a session with Counsellor Yukishiro Tomoe…

Tomoe: "Let us take all the anger you have and channel it into something creative…"

Suzu: "I want to totally destroy Tetsu's new school!"

Enishi: "I want to raze Kamiya dojo to the ground!"

Both men get slapped by Tomoe. "Weren't you listening?"

* * *

After a failed session, both Suzu and Enishi take to a local pub.

"Say, Kitamura, let's find some other redhead to beat up since neesan forbade us from hurting Himura or that Ichimura guy... Hey, that redhead dwarf over there looks like a promising candidate..."

Shinpachi comes along, alone... Suzu and Enishi try to pick on him...

A few minutes later, Shinpachi walked out groaning about his back. Enishi and Suzu follow, fairly bruised and bloodied.

Enishi looked at Suzu. "Why the heck didn't you say he was THAT Nagakura Shinpachi?"

"You never asked, punk."

"Why you..." Enishi grabbed his sword and chased Suzu out of town.


End file.
